50 Things No Man Over 40 Should Own
It's time to retire that "lucky" piece of clothing.
There's an old proverb (or maybe it's just the title of a Broadway play) that reminds us of the universal truth: "You can't take it with you." Though they're talking about life after death, this also applies to your 40s, as well. If you're a 40-something-year-old man, there's a long list of things you should be leaving in the past—everything from scooters, to wildly age-inappropriate clothing, to the single worst haircut any man can have. At your dignified station in life, these are the 50 things you should probably say goodbye to.
You're no longer the funniest guy at the frat party. It's time to get a better tie.
Enormous Piles of Laundry
If you've ever uttered the sentence, "I'm out of clean underwear again," it's time to take a long, hard look at your life priorities. No 40-year-old man should ever get to the point where an underwear-less day sneaks up on him.
Are you really doing shots so often that you need your own hard-liquor glassware? It's time to keep a bar stocked with the glassware and liquor to whip up a more sophisticated drink.
An AOL Email Address
It's time to enter the 21st century with a more modern email address. Say goodbye to the little yellow AIM guy.
A "Lucky" Piece of Clothing
Sorry, but that crusty old T-shirt that you refuse to wash isn't the same thing as Michael Jordan's so-called "lucky shorts." Please don't make us enumerate the ways that you're probably not the Michael Jordan of your office or local pickup games.
If you can't pull out some cash or a credit card without making a loud ripping sound, it's time to upgrade to a great, handsome wallet.
We can prove to you that a scooter is a terrible idea with one video. Nothing about this electric scooter commercial is based on real life. Nobody who uses a scooter as his main mode of transportation wears a suit or has a "9 a.m. meeting." Also, this scooter is called the Swagtron Swagger. Seriously? (Also, it should go without saying that hoverboards fall into the category of banned items for a 40-year-old man, as well.)
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
There are so many better ways to announce to the world that you're someone who thinks he's a "warrior" at life.
Put down the footbag—you're a 40-year-old man now.
Sure, you got them for free from a dry cleaner, but your clothes deserve better. Hopefully, you've invested in an adult wardrobe, which deserves more than wire hangers that can stretch out clothes. Upgrade to something sturdier.
As we learned in this 2012 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, people can correctly guess your age, gender, and income just by looking at your shoes. You know what bowling shoes reveal about you? That you're a broke teenager who steals his footwear from bowling alleys. Or, at the very least, that you're not a 40-year-old man.
You're just a little bit too mature for this look. And if your defense of your favorite hoodie is, "Mark Zuckerberg wears an old hoodie every day! He's a CEO," then you'd be right. He's also not yet 40.
Acoustic Guitars for Parties
In your head, it's easy to convince yourself that everyone at the party is secretly hoping that a you'll whip out your guitar and break into a one-man acoustic version of "Ants Marching." But trust us on this one, they're really not.
I know, this is a tough one. What else are you going to wear when you're trying to keep the chill vibes flowing and you're kicking around the hacky sack with your best bros? Can we suggest actual shoes? And as we've already established: Drop the hacky sack!
Run DMC is not a good look on a guy old enough to have been in Run DMC in the '80s.
A Story Involving a Jail Cell
That crazy yarn about you and your buds committing a minor felony back in college is one thing. But if you begin any dinner party story with, "You'll never believe how I ended up in jail last weekend," don't expect an enthusiastic response.
A Key Chain Bottle Opener
There is always a bottle opener nearby. If there isn't, maybe you need to ask yourself, "Am I currently at a location where it's appropriate to be drinking alcoholic beverages?"
We like playing a little Resident Evil 7 as much as the next guy, but if you're playing so much that your thumbs are permanently calloused, you've been killing too many fake zombies and not getting nearly enough cardio and sunlight.
Burning Man Friends
Having Burning Man friends means that you've attended enough Burning Man festivals to have a Burning Man social circle. That's waaaaay too much Burning Man, man.
Unless your name is Aaron Judge, you have no reason to be wearing a baseball cap.
A Guy Fieri Haircut
The Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives host does a lot of good in the world—his hairstyle though, is another story.
It's fine to live with other people. They're called your spouse and kids.
Who exactly do we think we're impressing with our Spoon concert tee?
A Tinder Account
If your dating app of choice has been blamed for the rise of STDs in some states, it might be time to move on to something more reputable, like Match.com.
There's no good explanation for a wallet chain. Unless you're biking through rough mountain terrain, you shouldn't be worried about losing your wallet.
At your age, you should be more concerned with thread counts than whether your sheets have a cool illustration of Han Solo. Just because you can buy them on Amazon, doesn't mean you should. And while we're on the subject of beds…
A Bed without a Frame
If you're just out of college and living with three other guys in a city apartment, a mattress on the floor is understandable. But unless your life goal is to be a character in a Tom Waits song, you're way too old to not be investing in the entire bed. C'mon, you're a 40-year-old man; you've had decades to figure out the whole raised bed thing.
No, you don't still need your six-foot bong from college that you've nicknamed The Wizard.
The only person allowed to wear skinny jeans over the age of 40 is Iggy Pop. End of story.
Frozen Pizza Rolls
A freezer filled with pizza rolls and other microwavable junk food is not an option for the modern man.
An Unstamped Passport
You do realize that a passport isn't just for threatening to leave the country when things don't go your way, right?
A Pulp Fiction movie poster taped to your wall is just one step above refrigerator magnets in the hierarchy of home décor.
A Partner Born in the Clinton Years
Let's be clear: No, you don't "own" a significant other—no matter their age. But if your S.O. can only recall the three most recent leaders of the free world, you are officially dating too young, buddy.
A Tattoo Less Than Five Years Old
A fresh tattoo on a 40 year old isn't cool or dangerous or a symbol of your unique personality. It's the "buying a sports car because I'm terrified of growing old" of our generation.
A Fast Food Condiment Packet Collection
Taco Bell hot sauce is an occasional guilty pleasure, not a home kitchen staple.
A Buddy on Your Couch
You shouldn't even be Facebook friends with this guy any more, much less letting him "crash" with you until his divorce is finalized and he can get his own place to live. (You know that's never happening, right?)
A Black Eye
It's not that you can't take a punch, it's that you're still finding yourself in situations where you have to take a punch.
There's no reason you need that much room down there.
A Yellow Hummer
These gas-guzzling relics from the '90s already exist deep into no-go territory. But if you add this eye-popping color, you're doing the only thing that can possibly make it worse.
Your Grandmother's Hand-Me-Down Couch
Free furniture is a great thing when you're in your 20s and struggling to get by. But saying "My grandmother slept on this couch in college" when you're 40 is a cry for help.
A Selfie Stick
A grown man knows how to politely ask a stranger to snap a quick photograph.
Your Childhood Arts-and-Crafts Wares
That glazed clay bowl you made at camp is definitely not a suitable living room centerpiece.
Put. The cards. Down. And walk. Away.
Empty Beer Can and/or Empty Liquor Bottle Collection
Saving hundreds of empty aluminum cans and bottles of all the beers you've consumed over the years isn't like covering a suitcase with stickers from far-off places. It just makes people think, "Wow, this dude has a serious drinking problem."
Sports Team-Themed Wall Art
It's time to invest in some serious statement pieces, man.
Keepsakes from Fast Food Restaurants
Yes, your tumblers featuring Mayor McCheese and Grimace are collectors' items. But they're maybe not how a guy in his 40s should be sipping on a weekend cocktail.
Wine Bottles as Candle Holders
Unless you live in an Italian restaurant, this is not nearly as cute as you think.
Or anything "norm core," for that matter.
A Flip Phone
You don't have to buy every new tech gadget that comes on the market. But using a flip-phone will instantly add 30 years to your age in ways that unhealthy living can only dream of.
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