When you’re wearing the rose-colored glasses of being in love, it can be hard to see your partner for who they truly are. For most people who find themselves in the early days of a relationship, this may be relatively harmless, helping to smooth over your beloved’s minor flaws as you get to know one another. However, if you happen to be dating a narcissist, this could instead be a dangerous proposition—one that corrupts the very foundation of your relationship and leaves you vulnerable to emotional harm.
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Najamah Davis, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist for ND Counseling Services, says that narcissism can easily throw a wrench into any type of relationship—whether the narcissist is a family member, boss, love interest, or someone else in your orbit.
"It can be difficult to maintain healthy boundaries and protect your mental health in the face of a narcissist's self-centeredness and manipulation," Davis previously told Best Life. "Seeking therapy or counseling can help you develop coping strategies and learn how to set healthy boundaries. It's also essential to prioritize your well-being and reduce your exposure to toxic behaviors and interactions."
Relationship coach and content creator Matthew Husseyrecently took to TikTok to share the number one sign you’re dating a narcissist. He says there’s one red flag in particular that may tip you off to the fact that you’re coupled up with someone who’s clinically diagnosable with the personality disorder.
Though it’s certainly important to take note of whether your partner often creates conflict or chaos, he says the greater telltale sign of narcissism lies in how they conduct themselves afterward.
“Many narcissists will never apologize and expect you to move on. But even the ones that can apologize will often expect that once the apology has been issued, the situation is over and if you continue to have any feelings about the betrayal that you’ve been through, the pain that you’ve been through, they hurt they’ve caused, they will start to become incredibly impatient or even angry at the fact that you are still making a ‘big deal’ out of it,” Hussey explains.
Alyse Freda-Colon, LCSW, founder of AFC Therapy, notes that this stems from a narcissist's inability to put themselves in the shoes of others and imagine situations from a different perspective. "They see it from their perspective, and that's the only perspective that matters to them. They are right, you are wrong—forever, end of story,” she tells Best Life.
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So, what exactly should you look out for? Hussey says your partner might be quick to quip: “Why are we still talking about this? I thought it was over.”
“Their response is devoid of compassion. What they want is for you to move on as quickly as possible, because they moved on the moment they did it. In fact, for them, there was nothing to move on from,” Hussey explains.
Using phrases like these taps into several of the nine traits that the DSM-5 says are associated with narcissistic personality disorder. In particular, having a grandiose sense of self-importance, a willingness to take advantage of others to achieve one’s own needs, having lack of empathy, and displaying arrogance may all influence how or whether someone apologizes. Though less directly related, many narcissists are also preoccupied with fantasies of power or brilliance, believe others are envious of them, and require excessive admiration, the DSM-5 states.
If you suspect the person you’re dating may be a narcissist, it’s important to keep your bearings and resist blaming yourself for your partner’s frustration.
“Never let someone else’s ease of moving on gaslight you into believing that what they did wasn’t so bad after all. Their ease of moving on has nothing to do with the scale of what they did. It has everything to do with the absence of empathy and compassion that they feel when they do bad things,” Hussey points out.
In most instances, ending the relationship will be the best course of action. Speaking to a therapist or mental health professional can help you make an exit plan that preserves your boundaries and safety, while also avoiding manipulations that could prevent you from leaving.
