There's a reason why breakups remain one of the most popular subjects in movies, books, and music—they're a universally challenging part of the human experience, and they can affect us deeply in a myriad of ways. If you're having trouble figuring out how to get over someone, the first thing to remember is to go easy on yourself. As the famous song goes, "Breaking up is hard to do," and showing yourself grace and compassion during this time is crucial.
As for how to move on from your last relationship, there are certainly some steps you can take to help ease the pain, rebuild your self-worth and self-confidence, and facilitate the healing process. Whether you dated casually for a couple of months or had a serious, long-term relationship, here are experts' top tips for how to move on.
RELATED: The 26 Most Common Reasons Why Couples Break Up.
Why Do Break-Ups Hurt So Much?
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Recent research has found that the brain activity in people who have recently gone through a breakup resembles the brain activity they experience when in physical pain.
"Hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship, and it’s the last thing to leave," says Orna Walters, a dating expert, love coach, and co-founder of Creating Love On Purpose.
According to Walters, it's common to feel sad, angry, confused, or a combination of all three after a relationship ends. There are many reasons for the emotional rollercoaster that can come with a broken heart. For one, you may have been picturing a future with your ex—a future that is now shattered, leaving you wondering where your life is headed without them.
Not only that, but the end of a relationship can mean dealing with a lot of changes to your daily routine, home life, and support system. Your partner may have been the first person you called, whether you had a good day or a bad day. And you may have spent much of your free time with them. It's no surprise that losing such a significant presence in your life may prove extremely challenging to navigate.
"The loss of a partner can feel like losing a part of yourself," explains Rachel Goldberg, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. "The pain can also be intensified if it comes with feelings of rejection, abandonment, and/or loneliness."
RELATED: 20 Red Flags Your Partner Can't Wait to Break Up With You.
How to Get Over Someone
Wondering how to get over an ex? Follow these expert-recommended steps.
Reframe your thoughts.
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"Breakups can leave you stuck in a loop of negative thinking, like 'I’ll never find someone else' or 'I’m not good enough,'" points out Cheryl Groskopf, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice.
Groskopf says the healing process starts with challenging these thoughts, which can suck so much of your emotional and mental energy. You can do that by reframing them into something more positive—or, at the very least, neutral.
For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I’ll never find someone else," Groskopf suggests reframing the thought to "Now I have the chance to figure out what I need from a partner." Or, if you’re thinking, "I’m not good enough," reframe that thought to "This is an opportunity for me to focus on becoming the best version of myself."
"This works because your brain believes what you tell it," says Groskopf. "By changing the way you think about the situation, you can change how you feel."
Write a "forgiveness letter."
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Walters recommends writing a letter to your ex—which you’ll never send—thanking them for what the relationship taught you.
"This letter of gratitude is the final step to healing your heart," she tells Best Life.
Acknowledging what this relationship taught you can release you from dwelling on the past and even offer a healthy, positive mindset as you move forward into your next relationship.
Reach out for support.
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While it’s necessary to do the deeply personal work of processing the end of your relationship, it’s also important to remember that you do not need to go through the grieving process alone, says Barbie Adler, a relationships expert, matchmaker, and president and founder at Selective Search.
Make it a point to reach out to a close friend or family member when you're feeling particularly down. When you spend time with other people in your circle, not only can they distract you in a healthy way, but you'll also get an important reminder of how loved you are—even without your ex in your life.
Pursue a new or forgotten hobby.
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In addition to rekindling old connections with your existing friend group and family, Adler says it may also be a good time to form some new relationships. One of the best ways to do that is by investing time into a new hobby that allows you to meet interesting people—whether that's painting, pickleball, or something else entirely.
This can aid you in the process of healing and growing while also boosting your self-esteem and ensuring that your social needs are met, Adler notes.
"Find a new activity—or go back to an old one that offers a small challenge, and you can feel passionate about," suggests Goldberg. "This can be anything from training for a 10K run to fundraising for a cause you believe in. This gives you a distraction, a goal to work towards, and a sense of accomplishment."
Get rid of physical reminders.
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For the sake of your mental health—and to create distance from your past relationship—experts strongly advise tossing out, donating, or at least temporarily stashing away any physical mementos that remind you of your past relationship. That may include gifts your ex gave you, belongings they left behind at your place, and photographs of your memories together.
"Objects hold a lot of sentimental value, and when that value is directly tied to the person you are trying to get over, it can make it more difficult to move on," says Adler. "These objects are often reminders of the good times in the relationship rather than the bad ones, so they can cause you to look back on the relationship with rose-colored glasses. Putting these objects away or getting rid of them can be painful in the moment, but it also helps create a blank slate that allows for growth as well as hope and enthusiasm for the future."
If you still have anything you need to return to your ex, Walters advises having a friend do it for you.
Mute or unfollow them on social media.
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The number one rule for how to get over someone is to limit how much you're seeing of them on social media.
"Mute or unfollow all social media accounts related to your ex," says Goldberg. "By doing this you are creating a barrier between you and your ex-partner’s current life. This can be tremendously helpful in preventing rumination and a compulsion to constantly check their status. Often seeing their posts can trigger emotional responses that will set your healing back."
You might even consider making social media off limits so you aren't bombarded with photos of other people in their seemingly perfect romantic relationships—and aren't tempted to check in on your ex.
"And while you're at it, politely request that your friends not provide you with updates on your ex," adds Goldberg.
RELATED: 5 Huge Red Flags You're in a Rebound Relationship, Therapists Say.
How Do I Get Over Someone I Never Actually Dated?
Just because you were never "officially" in an exclusive relationship with someone doesn't mean you won't experience some heartache when it ends. So, here are some tips for how to get over someone you were almost dating.
Build up your confidence.
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Whether you're trying to move on from someone who rejected you romantically, ghosted you, or never put a label on your relationship, Goldberg recommends working on rebuilding your self-esteem.
"Practicing self-care and self-love, such as engaging in regular exercise, getting consistent sleep, nourishing with healthy food choices, spending time with positive people, or treating yourself to a new hairstyle can help shift your view from the victim to feeling you have control to change how you show up for yourself and the world," she explains.
Goldberg also suggests developing a new skill or working toward a new goal or challenge to build your self-confidence—which may be lacking, particularly if you dealt with unrequited love.
"Consider traveling alone to an unfamiliar destination—take the opportunity to meet new people and build strength through navigating unknown situations," she says.
As an added bonus, confidence is attractive—and when you become ready to explore dating again, it will only give you an advantage in finding a new person.
Find the lesson.
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If you can identify something you learned from this experience, then you're less likely to view it as wasted time or unnecessary pain—but rather, a gift.
"You’ll feel grateful for the whole experience, and your regrets will melt away," says Walters. "And eventually, you'll realize why this particular person came into your life."
For instance, if you had a romantic interest in someone who didn't feel the same way, you may look back and realize that you missed the signs that you weren't compatible because you were blinded by physical attraction. Or, if someone you were interested in puts you in the "friend zone," you may realize you need to work on communicating your feelings earlier on and more directly in relationships.
Practice self-care.
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If you're still wondering how to get over a guy or how to get over a girl you had feelings for, experts agree that it's crucial to prioritize self-care.
"Loving yourself means you treat yourself worthy of being loved," says Walter. "Pay attention to your inner dialogue and only speak to yourself like someone you love."
Adler notes that it’s critical to remember your self-worth does not depend on being in a relationship.
"You are intrinsically valuable," she adds. "Self-care practices can help you remind yourself of this fact and provide you with a consistent, reliable source of resilience and hope. In addition to preserving your mental health, self-care practices can prevent fatigue and burnout when you do decide to start dating again."
Keep in mind that self-care looks different for everyone.
"The most important thing about a self-care practice is that it’s enjoyable and meaningful to you, as this allows you to be consistent with it," explains Adler.
Some common and effective self-care practices include reconnecting with friends and family, engaging in physical activity, and practicing meditation or affirmations.
Look forward rather than backward.
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Focusing on the past will likely keep you stuck in a negative thought cycle. Instead, bring your attention to future possibilities. Buy tickets to see your favorite band with a friend. Plan a solo road trip to visit family. Start researching animal rescues you could volunteer at.
For extra inspiration or motivation, you might even spend some time putting together a vision board—a collage of words and images that visually represent your goals for the coming year.
RELATED: 5 Signs Your Ex Can't Stop Thinking About You, Dating Coach Says.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over Someone?
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According to Groskopf, how long it takes to move on from someone you had feelings for can vary a lot depending on certain factors, including the length and intensity of the relationship, how it ended, who ended it, whether it was an unhealthy or healthy relationship, and your level of emotional resilience.
"There's no "one-size-fits-all" timeline," she says. "It could take anywhere from six months to two years."
Your attachment style may also come into play, says Goldberg.
"Someone who has a more avoidant attachment style and has an easier time compartmentalizing will have less trouble moving forward," she explains. "Meanwhile, someone with a more anxious attachment may struggle to not think about their ex or engage in unhealthy behaviors such as late-night calling and checking their social media incessantly."
According to Adler, it typically takes longer to get over someone when the breakup wasn't mutual or if you were blindsided. Regardless of how long it takes you, remember to be patient with yourself—experts agree rushing the healing process never works.
If you're still having trouble moving forward after months have passed, and your thoughts about your ex are interfering with your ability to take care of yourself, do your job, or fulfill other responsibilities, consider seeing a licensed mental health professional. A trauma therapist, licensed marriage and family therapist, or even a therapist who specializes in grief may help you process your feelings related to the relationship ending and learn new coping strategies.
Conclusion
There isn't necessarily a "right" or "wrong" approach for how to get over someone you love.
That said, experts agree that it's best to use this time to focus on rebuilding your own sense of self-worth and self-confidence by diving into new or old hobbies, reframing your thoughts, reaching out to your social network, and making plans for the future—all while eliminating reminders of your ex, including both physical belongings and social media notifications.
"When you’re in the midst of these difficult emotions, it can be challenging to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to find ways to remind yourself that it is always there," says Adler. "Rather than trying to hold yourself to an arbitrary timeline of when you 'should' feel a certain way, allow yourself all the time you need to truly process and learn from your feelings in a way that will prepare you to flourish in future relationships."
