Herewith, we’ve collected the most uproarious, sidesplittingly funny movie quotes to grace the silver screen. And for more Hollywood hilarity, check out the 30 Funniest Movie Characters of All Time.
“It’s just a flesh wound.”
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
— The Black Knight (John Cleese) to King Arthur (Graham Chapman), after losing both arms in the heat of combat. For more laughs, check out the 30 Funniest Sitcoms Of All Time.
“That is my least vulnerable spot.”
— Captain Renault (Claude Rains) to Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) when Rick points a gun at the captain’s heart. For more classic quips, check out these 37 Movies Every Man Over 40 Should Be Able to Quote.
“This building has to be at least…. three times bigger than this!”
— Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), offering criticism to a miniature model of the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Do Other Stuff Good Too. And for more cinematic trivia, don’t miss The 30 Worst Movie Endings of All Time.
“I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
— Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen) responding to “Surely, you can’t be serious.” And for more fun with language, check out the 50 Puns So Bad They’re Actually Funny.
“Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.”
Blazing Saddles (1974)
— Jim (Gene Wilder), demonstrating his irrepressibly shaky hand to Sheriff Bart (Cleavon Little).
“I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
— Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt) dishing on her new “diet.”
“I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late ’90s.”
—Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds), being Deadpool. And for more (albeit tamer) quips from the Merc with a Mouth, read up on Ryan Reynolds’ 30 Funniest Tweets.
“Martini. Gin, not vodka. Obviously. Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth.”
Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)
— Eggsy (Taron Egerton), schooling his bartender on the one-and-only way to make a martini.
“‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you’re ever gonna get!”
The Incredibles (2004)
— Honey (Kimberly Adair Clark) to Lucius Best (Samuel L. Jackson), also known as the superhero Frozone, who wants to bail on dinner and save the world from imminent destruction.
“I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life. [Someone catcalls her.] I object!”
Legally Blonde (2001)
— Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon), in her video essay application to Harvard Law School.
“We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for…. One million dollars.”
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
— Dr. Evil (Mike Myers), after recently waking from decades-long cryogenic freezing, completely missing the concept of inflation.
“He might be okay. [Beat. Huge explosion.] Well, no, probably not now.”
Groundhog Day (1993)
— Larry the cameraman (Chris Elliott) after Phill Connors (Bill Murray) drives off a cliff with Punxastawney Phil.
“Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.”
The Godfather (1972)
— Peter Clemenza (Richard Castellano), giving instructions to a mafia henchman. (For your trivia nights: This legendary line was improvised.)
“I’m in a glass case of emotion!”
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
— Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) lamenting the supposed death of his dog, Baxter.
“That rug really tied the room together, did it not?”
The Big Lebowski (1998)
— Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) lamenting with The Dude (Jeff Bridges) about the latter’s recently befouled rug. The Big Lebowski (1998)
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
— Random patron to the waiter after witnessing Sally Albright (Meg Ryan) fake an orgasm in the middle of Katz’s Delicatessen.
“This is my wife.”
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
— Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) introducing, well, his wife (and unwittingly spawning an immensely popular Twitter meme).
“It’s like I have ESPN or something.”
Mean Girls (2004)
— Karen Smith (Amanda Seyfried) telling Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) about her fifth sense.
“Is that all he said?”
Lost in Translation (2003)
— Bob Harris (Murray) expressing surprise after a lengthy directive in Japanese is translated into “He wants you to turn, look in camera.”
“No, it’s a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!”
Dumb and Dumber (1994)
— Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels) responding to a police officer ordering him to pull over.
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”
Dr. Strangelove (1964)
— President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) breaking up a physical altercation.
“Excuse me. I believe you have my stapler.”
Office Space (1999)
— Milton Waddams (Stephen Roots) trying to get his beloved stapler back.
“It’s the first time I’ve ever seen you look ugly. And that makes me kind of happy.”
— Annie Walker (Kristen Wiig) justifying her tears of joy to Helen (Rose Byrne), her consistently impeccable rival.
“I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder (2002)
— Van Wilder (Reynolds) dishing out some grade-A life advice.
“It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
The Hangover (2009)
— Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis) defending his sartorial choices.
“Did Doogie Houser just steal my … car?”
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
— Harold Lee (John Cho) reacting to Neil Patrick Harris (Neil Patrick Harris), well, stealing his car.
Identity Thief (2013)
— Diana Budgie (Melissa McCarthy) to Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) after Patterson bends over backwards to convince her to get back in the car. They’re the only two passengers.
“Don’t point that gun at him. He’s an unpaid intern.”
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
— Steve Zissou (Murray) defending his crew from pirates.
“Faulkner is cauc…asian. Well, they got that wrong, because you’re obviously white.”
Hunt for the Wilderpeople (2016)
— Ricky Baker (Julian Dennison), on the run with his uncle (Sam Neill), reading a wanted poster.
— Cher Horowitz (Alicia Silverstone) tossing out her catchphrase. For more from history’s most clueless decade, learn these 20 Slang Terms From the 1990s No One Uses Anymore.
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