Is there anything worse than being on a date devoid of any engaging conversation? The minutes pass slowly, and all you can do is sneak in a word or two amid your date's monologue. Or your date has nothing to say, forcing you to fill in the silence with your own soliloquy. This worst case scenario is a common fear around dating, and for most women, it's a major dealbreaker. A one-sided conversation, whether it's you or your date talking, is actually the biggest dealbreaker for women when looking for a partner, according to dating experts.
"Nothing is more annoying than someone that can't have back-and-forth banter and ask inquisitive questions," says Julie Krafchick, co-host of the Dateable podcast. "We aren't here to be the audience of your TED talk. And on the flip side, we also don't want to be conducting an interview." When one person is dominating the conversation or struggling to keep it going, that's never a good sign.
If your date is strictly interested in talking about themselves, it's unlikely they'd make a good long-term partner. "When the other person isn't asking questions, it comes off that they don't care about learning about us," Krafchick says. The first date is a glimpse into your future with this person. A date that is uninterested in learning about you will probably not suddenly become interested in how your day was a couple months into a relationship. The traits reflected by this kind of behavior are not attractive in a long-term, sustainable partner.
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"It comes off that you are either narcissistic or lack basic social skills, neither which work for a long-term partnership. In a partnership, you want to feel seen and heard," Krafchick adds. "People are generally on their best behavior during the initial stages of dating, so if this can't even happen now, what will, two years, 10 years look like with this person? We probably won't be here to find out."
Krafchick does believe this dealbreaker could be overcome in certain scenarios. As she points out, one-sided conversations can sometimes be the result of first date nerves.
"The date is just trying to impress the woman by rattling off their resume, list of places traveled, and other accomplishments," she says. "In reality, she'd be more impressed if he was having a conversation where it felt like he was genuinely trying to connect with her." If you are eager to give your date another try, you could have an open discussion, express your misgivings, and move on from there.
However, if you are confident that the one-sided conversation is a dealbreaker, full stop, it's probably best to walk away. But it's worth noting there's a distinction between a dealbreaker and a red flag.
"I think of a red flag as hardware," Dateable co-host Yue Xu explains. "Think about a screw in a computer. If it's loose or damaged, it's an easy problem to address. However, a dealbreaker is usually referring to the software that runs the computer, the OS. That's a much bigger issue to address, and it implies that it affects every part of the computer."
If the one-sided conversation represents something intrinsic in your date's personality, it will affect the entire "operating system" and ripple throughout their life. That's reason enough to move on to someone else. And to find out what men's biggest turn-off is, This Is the Biggest Dealbreaker for Men, Study Says.
