30 Hilariously Bad Celebrity Products
Save your money, folks.
If you’re famous and you find your celebrity status isn’t bringing in the bucks quite the way it used to, you can always slap your name on a product. And, according to research published in the Journal of Advertising Research, this strategy is surprisingly effective; in fact, George Foreman earned more millions putting his name on a certain grill than he ever did in the ring. However, for many stars, less-than-discriminating taste about what to lend their name to can lead to some seriously suspect product offerings.
From pudding to toothpaste to coffins, these hilariously bad celebrity products haven’t exactly withstood the test of time. And those that do make some semblance of sense? Well, they’re terrible ideas, too. The next time these folks want to make some money without doing too much work, they should take a lesson from The 30 Funniest Celebrity Commercials and get people laughing with them, rather than at them.
Image courtesy of CelebrityScentsation.com
Jessica Simpson’s Dessert Beauty
If you imagine Jessica Simpson putting on perfume and saying, “man, I wish I could drink this stuff,” then her line of edible cosmetics makes perfect sense. In every other way, it’s completely confusing. And probably sticky. And made people smell like walking jars of frosting. And if you think that’s bad, check out The 20 Beauty Products You Should Never Use.
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Before becoming president of the United States, Donald Trump sold overpriced meat. After debuting in 2007, Trump’s steaks were sold at The Sharper Image for two months before being discontinued because nobody bought them. They were also hocked via QVC. And, to be clear, a Trump steak is definitely not The One Steak Order That Will Impress Any Butcher.
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Sylvester Stallone’s High Protein Pudding
This terribly-named product was released in 2004 and seemed to disappear around 2012, after a very drawn out lawsuit surrounding the low-carb, high-protein pudding was resolved. While it existed, it was available at GNC, serving that niche market of people who wanted to get swole and didn’t think it was weird to eat pudding from a can. Luckily, you can still meet your protein RDA with The 5 Best High-Protein Snacks for Men.
The Kardashians have made a very successful career of marketing themselves or selling something in pretty much whatever way they can, but but they can’t all be winners. Case in point: the Kardashian Kard. This prepaid debit card was immediately derided for its exorbitant fees, which cost users almost $100 per year just to own. That doesn’t even include the fees attached to actually using the card. Less than a month after it debuted, it was removed from the market. And for more on the crazy lives of celebs, here are 50 Crazy Celebrity Facts You Won’t Believe Are True.
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You have to credit the creators of Shaq Fu for their creativity. Not everyone would use a famous basketball player as the protagonist in a martial arts video game. Unfortunately, it didn’t really work. The original Shaq Fu is generally considered one of the worst video games of all time. But because we live in a world of irony now, a sequel to the original, Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn, will be released sometime in 2018, thanks to a massively successful crowdfunding campaign.
Image courtesy of MTV
Mary-Kate and Ashley Aquafresh BubbleCool Toothpaste
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are set for life, and that didn’t happen thanks to Full House royalties. The pair used their celebrity to push a multitude of products, including a board game, a Mary-Kate and Ashley magazine, and a whole bunch of CDs your little sister made you listen to.
But perhaps the most ridiculous of all was Mary-Kate and Ashley Aquafresh BubbleCool Toothpaste, released in 2003. The twins were 17 at that point, but the toothpaste featured pictures of them at 13 to market the toothpaste to tweens. Apparently, the twins had a hand in choosing the flavor of the toothpaste, which was, judging by the name, terrible.
Image courtesy of YouTube
David Lynch Signature Cup Coffee
David Lynch loves coffee. At one point in his life, he was drinking 20 cups of instant coffee every day. Unfortunately, his name is better associated with nightmarish art house flicks than this supposedly great way to start your day, and the director’s signature beans are no more. Fortunately, there are other, less disturbing ways to reap the 75 Amazing Benefits of Coffee.
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Hulk Hogan’s Thunder Mixer
Hulk Hogan has had many failed business and creative endeavors over the course of his career. The Thunder Mixer is one of them. It’s a portable protein drink mixer, possibly useful if your muscles are too sore from lifting to shake a bottle around. The Thunder Mixer didn’t bring him the money he was after, but the Hulkster more than made up for it by suing website Gawker and winning a $31 million settlement. Today the Thunder Mixer is no more. Luckily, you don’t need one to make thee 4 Best Smoothies for a Zero Belly.
Image courtesy of eBay
The KISS Kasket
Want your loved ones to rock the afterlife? KISS has you covered. The KISS Kasket, released in 2001, was a real, purchasable coffin decorated with images of the band KISS. While the Kasket was discontinued by 2008, in 2011, a second generation KISS Kasket was released, although the band has since shelved their mortuary memorabilia. And for more silliness from bands, check out the 30 Worst First Names for Your Favorite Bands.
Paris Hilton’s Creativity Collection
If you’re like the average consumer, when you think of Paris Hilton, you think of scrapbooking. Just kidding, nobody thinks of scrapbooking when they think of Paris Hilton. That’s why the Paris Hilton Creativity Collection scrapbooking kit makes no sense, and likely why it’s no longer being made.
Marilyn Manson’s Mansinthe
Marilyn Manson decided to share his love of absinthe with the world with a product called Mansinthe. It’s a traditional absinthe, that costs between $60 and $70 a bottle and received a 90 from Wine Enthusiast. So, while it may taste good, that shouldn’t totally counteract the shame of drinking something called “Mansinthe.” And for more on Manson—once rumored to be the kid from “The Wonder Years”—here are the 20 Craziest Celebrity Rumors of All Time.
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Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky
Jeff Foxworthy used to make money by telling jokes about beef jerky. At some point he decided to cut out the middleman and make money by selling the product himself.
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Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt
Along with aftershave, knives, and other weapons, Steven Seagal at one point had his own energy drink. Released in 2005, Lightning Bolt has since been discontinued.
Image courtesy of SI
Rather than endorsing the candy bar he basically shares a name with, Carmelo Anthony has his own candy bar, The Melo, which apparently tastes like a not-as-good Caramello.
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Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill
Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill was a video game the world needed even less than Shaq Fu. The game was about Socks the cat (the Clinton family cat during their tenure at the White House) trying to warn the White House about a stolen nuclear missile launch device.
Much like Shaq Fu, Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill was also the subject of a recent successful crowdfunding campaign. This campaign, however, was not for a sequel. It was merely for an actual release of the game, since Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill never made it to shelves.
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Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips
Katy Perry’s Kettle Corn Popchips were her “dream snack realized” and are basically just regular Popchips, but sweeter. It’s a pairing that doesn’t make much sense, but at least led to the creation of a video featuring Katy Perry running around with a bunch of cats wearing neon wigs, so it’s not like it’s entirely culturally insignificant.
Starpower: Beyonce was supposed to be a motion capture dance video game starring Bey. The game was never released, resulting instead in a $100 million dollar lawsuit by game developer Gate Five, who claimed that Beyonce bailed on the game for no good reason, which led to the layoff of 70 employees. Eventually the lawsuit was dropped, and the world will never know how truly bad this game would have been.
Image courtesy of Complex
Mr. T FlavorWave Oven Turbo
It seems pretty likely that the Mr. T FlavorWave Oven Turbo was hoping to capitalize on the success of the George Foreman Grill. It failed, despite the fact that it was, confusingly, dishwasher safe.
Image courtesy of Angelfire
Chris Kirlpatrick’s FuMan Skeeto
Everyone’s favorite “oh yeah, that’s a guy who was in NSYNC” NSYNC member Chris Kilpatrick decided to release a clothing line in 2001, which he called FuMan Skeeto, presumably to make sure you’d be embarrassed to wear any of it.
Image courtesy of Kickstarter
Carlos by Carlos Santana
When you think of Carlos Santana, you probably don’t think of women’s shoes. But you could, and you wouldn’t be completely crazy, because Carlos by Carlos Santana is a real thing. Apparently the shoes are “inspired by the artistry and passion of Carlos Santana’s soulful rhythms and vibe.” A line of Carlos Santana shoes for men is being released this year as well, so if you want to think about the song “Smooth” every time your feet hit the ground, you are in luck.
Image courtesy of DrinkSpirits
Danny DeVito’s Limoncello
Inspired by the time he showed up for an appearance on The View pretty drunk on limoncello, Danny DeVito decided he should make his own limoncello, which has an amazing jingle and is reportedly pretty good, but is pretty difficult to find. If you spot a bottle and can endure the hangover that follows an evening of drinking limoncello, be sure to grab some. Oh, and if you Google “Danny DeVito” and “Limoncello,” you’ll definitely stumble across the 10 Times Celebs Appeared Drunk on Live TV.
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Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Lickin’s Chicken Rings
Country singer Dwight Yoakam actually has entire line of frozen foods. This one just happens to have the most unappetizing name, which is really saying something, because another one is called “Macaroni Mouth Poppers.”
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Heidi’s Fruit Flirtations
Heidi’s Fruit Flirtations were a gummy candy endorsed by Heidi Klum, who claimed to be disappointed with the quality of American gummies. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much a market for these, particularly since you Haribo’s well-executed gummy candies are already available at virtually every supermarket in North America.
Image courtesy of Hanson Brothers Beer Co.
Tagline: “Mmmhops, from the guys who invented Mmmbop.” This cringe-y American Pale Ale is rated just okay on Beer Advocate, which is frankly better than you’d expect it to be.
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Sugarpova was originally a brand of gummy candies that “reflects the fun, fashionable, sweet side of international tennis sensation Maria Sharapova.” To separate herself from the pack (i.e., Heidi’s Fruit Flirtations), Sugarpova also makes chocolates now.
Image courtesy of YouTube
Bill Wyman Signature Metal Detector
Now that Bill Wyman isn’t playing bass for the Rolling Stones anymore, you can find him on the beach with a metal detector. But not just any metal detector, a Bill Wyman Signature Metal Detector. Wyman considers metal detecting the greatest hobby on Earth, and he has the Bill Wyman-branded metal detector to prove it.
The Situation Signature Series Lollipop
Jersey Shore‘s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino managed to come up with a product even less necessary than Snooki Slippers: a “signature series” couture lollipop. If that cluster of words makes no sense to you, that’s okay. Neither does the product, which is an expensive lollipop stick bedazzled with the colors of the Italian flag. You can apparently buy lollipop refills to put on the stick. But why?
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Snooki’s Happy Feet
When the Jersey Shore well ran dry, Snooki decided to make some money designing a slipper collection, most of which are either animal print or sequined. You can’t say she doesn’t have her brand figured out.
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Who wouldn’t want to eat cereal named after not particularly talented NFL quarterback Doug Flutie? Although the cereal is no longer made, a box still made its way into an episode of Silicon Valley. It’s not quite as big as the Mr. T cereal cameo in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, but it’s something.
Image courtesy of FactMag
Nelly’s Pimp Juice
Nelly decided to capitalize on his pretty terrible song “Pimp Juice” by creating a pretty terrible energy drink with the same name. It’s non-carbonated, tastes like apples and berries (in theory), and is marketed as “Hip-Hop’s #1 Energy Drink.” It might also be hip-hop’s only energy drink, so this is probably true. However, before you slam back a couple of Pimp Juices, Here’s Exactly How Much Caffeine You Need to Drink to Overdose.
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