60 Hilarious Things Everyone in a Relationship Fibs About
Sometimes, a little lie can save you from a big fight.
Whether you’ve been together for five weeks or 50 years, every smart partner knows that brutal honesty does not a happy relationship make. In fact, according to a 2014 study published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B, those little white lies can actually be beneficial to relationships, helping those who engage in them to avoid bigger fights along the way. So, from laying it on a bit thick when praising your significant other’s cooking skills to trying to keep a tense family dynamic under control, these are the hilarious fibs every person tells at some point during a relationship.
“I didn’t touch the thermostat.”
You like it a balmy 80 degrees in the house. Your spouse likes it a frigid 65. And in lieu of a true compromise, you just sneak the thermostat up a few degrees when he or she isn’t looking, pretending like you don’t know how it happened.
“No, your snoring doesn’t bother me.”
There are plenty of cute things about your significant other, from their smile to the way they scrunch up their nose when they’re concentrating on something. Their snoring, on the other hand, sounds like a chainsaw cutting through a redwood—but it’s probably in your best interest to keep that opinion to yourself.
“Of course I noticed your new haircut.”
It’s quite possible that your spouse comes back from the hairdresser or barber with a cut so similar to the one they left with that you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference even if you examined their head under a microscope. That said, whenever they ask if you noticed their new style, you know it’s time to tell them how dramatically different it makes them look.
“I have no idea where the cookies went.”
Sometimes you just get a jones for Oreos and don’t really feel like having an argument about it.
“I would never watch that without you.”
So technically you know what happened on the last episode of your favorite show, and, in a strict sense, you may have binged it without your significant other—but in your defense, the episodes just kept auto-playing and the remote was so far away. In your heart, at least, you’re maintaining complete television fidelity to your one and only.
“I love your mom’s cooking.”
Your mother-in-law’s “famous” salad with mayonnaise in it? Her combination of canned fruit and Jell-O that she calls dessert? You may barely be able to stomach them, but odds are that you find yourself telling your spouse otherwise just to avoid an argument.
“That ring is exactly what I would have picked.”
You have champagne tastes and your significant other has a decidedly beer budget. That said, even if you always dreamed of an engagement ring so big it would give you shoulder pain, the sentimental value of the beautiful (albeit smaller) one you got from your significant other makes that bauble about as special as they come.
“I didn’t even notice the trash was overflowing.”
It’s really hard to muster the resolve to bring that overfilled bag of trash—potentially oozing putrid liquid from its seams—out to the garbage can, especially in inclement weather. So, from time to time, you conveniently “forget” you saw it in the first place.
“They weren’t flirting, they were just being nice.”
What? Of course that bartender wasn’t flirting! He probably gives everyone free drinks… and tries to pass them his number on a cocktail napkin…
“Don’t worry, it was on sale.”
Fine, so maybe the original price was akin to your monthly rent, but you’re not technically lying about this one.
“You’re way better looking than they are.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And Jason Momoa’s married, anyway.
“The bachelor/bachelorette party is going to be tame.”
Who are you to stand in the way of the bride- or groom-to-be drinking a funnel of beer in the back of a party bus? What your spouse doesn’t know won’t hurt them—and anyway, you’ll hardly even be partaking in the more rambunctious activities of the night.
“That outfit is awesome.”
Maybe those pleather leggings or that shirt with the mesh panel aren’t your style, per se, but your significant other definitely deserves some credit for trying something new, at the very least.
“My relationship with him/her wasn’t serious.”
To be fair, your significant other probably doesn’t want to hear about the number of times you listened to “Un-Break My Heart” after your ex picked up all of their stuff from your apartment.
“This dinner turned out great.”
Was that chicken supposed to be blackened? Maybe not, but if it’s at least edible, you’re going to act like it came from The French Laundry. Your spouse tried, and that’s what matters.
“No, I’m not cold—you take the blanket.”
Your toes might be practically blue, but you’re not about to steal the covers from your perpetually cold spouse.
“I would love to go to Ikea.”
Why wouldn’t you want to go to a place where furniture dreams are made and relationships are broken?
“Of course I can put this together.”
And after said trip to the Swedish furniture mecca, you will, of course, claim to have everything under control when putting together that 700-piece bedroom set.
“Your best friend is always welcome here!”
They make your significant other happy, so you’re going to do your best to ignore the fact that they keep their shoes on in the house and track dirt everywhere, eat all of the food in your fridge, and drink most of the wine they bring.
“I definitely want to hear about your sister’s relationship drama.”
And let’s not forget the related fib: “Of course I want to double date with your sister and that new girl from Tinder.”
“My friends and I never talk about you.”
Even if your relationship is rock-solid, there’s bound to be something about your spouse that you bring up around your friends. However, everyone’s better off maintaining the illusion that that’s not the case.
“This shirt is exactly what I would have picked myself.”
The only reason you’re not wearing it on the regular is because you’re saving it for a special occasion, obviously.
“I’m just thinking about you.”
Usually uttered in response to the dreaded, “What are you thinking about?” clever spouses know this little fib is a safer bet than, say, admitting you’re pondering the ending of Game of Thrones.
“I think you should get the steak.”
Your budget may say, “Get the two-for-one appetizers,” but for the sake of your relationship, your mouth is uttering otherwise.
“I have no idea what my ex is up to.”
Obviously you haven’t checked their Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and/or Venmo in the past year.
“I’m totally on board with your diet.”
It’s not your fault that your friends ordered that mountain of nachos at the bar last week, and anyway, it would be rude not to partake.
“Of course my mom loves you.”
There’s really no good reason to add “but she loved my last girlfriend more” to that sentence.
“Sorry, I didn’t see your text.”
Your phone might be a practical appendage at this point, but sometimes you just need to experience the same freedom you had before Steve Jobs made you and that devil brick so inseparable.
“I’m always happy to work around your dietary restrictions.”
No meat? No dairy? No gluten? Can’t eat anything that didn’t fall from a tree? You’re going to have to deal with it one way or another, so you might as well seem enthusiastic about it.
“You definitely can’t tell that photo has a filter on it.”
“Your skin always looks like it was airbrushed to the point of featurelessness, my dear.”
“I’m super excited about your family reunion.”
Making small talk with your brothers, aunts, cousins, and great-grandmother who always tries to have someone sneak her wine when her nurse isn’t looking? Yes, it’ll be a picnic.
“I don’t care if we get each other anniversary presents.”
Of course, you wouldn’t be disappointed if a gift-wrapped box with your name on it happened to end up on the kitchen table, but you’re not about to ask your significant other to decimate their bank account over it.
“Your diet is definitely working.”
Yep, that pound you lost really makes a huge difference!
“It’s great having the dogs in the bed.”
If you wanted a blanket made of fur, you would have just bought a fur blanket—but it’s fine. Everything’s fine.
“I don’t find any of your friends attractive.”
That friend of yours who posed for that firefighter calendar? You know, the one with the eight-pack? He isn’t even that cute, honestly.
“I’d love to try that cleanse with you.”
What could be better than a glass of green juice every morning? Certainly not pancakes and coffee!
“I think that jersey goes with everything.”
Your spouse loves their hometown team—and you, as someone who doesn’t want to get a divorce, tolerate all the paraphernalia that they wear to prove it.
“I’m super excited for your friend’s housewarming.”
Who wouldn’t want the privilege of oohing and aahing over crown moldings?
“I will definitely have the kids to bed by 7.”
…or 10:30. Those Harry Potter marathons are hard to resist.
“I never drink out of the carton.”
You’d never dream of being so uncivilized… when your significant other is around, at least.
“Sweatpants are fine for brunch.”
You’ll just keep leading by example with your own outfits and hope they take the hint.
“Fantasy football is awesome.”
The only thing better than actually participating in it? Hearing about it ad nauseam, of course.
“Cuddling is my favorite!”
You definitely didn’t want to go to sleep or watch a movie or do literally anything else in bed.
“I just had an inkling you’d like that gift.”
There was definitely no gift guide on the internet that led me to it.
“You’re right, this bed does need another throw pillow.”
The more, the merrier! Who needs space to sleep, anyway?
“I’ve had this outfit forever.”
If you’re not in a financial position to do so, discussing the ins and outs of who bought what and for how much is only going to add unnecessary drama to your life.
Nothing you could do would gross me out.”
Your hacking cough and the resulting pile of tissues on the couch? Nah, babe, it’s cute.
“You never come up in therapy.”
Why would your spouse’s habit of inviting their mom over without consulting you come up as a topic of conversation with your therapist?
“I don’t mind waiting while you get ready.”
At least your significant other’s 80-step grooming routine gives you enough time to start and finish a book before dinner.
“Your yoga class is important to me, too.”
Hatha, vinyasa, hot, outdoors—you’re always in the mood for a weekly asana update.
“I don’t mind carrying that in my purse for you.”
Of course, your spouse could always just bring their own bag—but until that day comes, yours will just have to do.
“I think it’s your turn to take the dog out.”
It’s just so hard to remember who gave him the last walk, especially when you’re tired or it’s raining!
“You nailed that song at karaoke.”
The whole point of karaoke is to have fun, not to nail a perfect Adele impression anyway, right?
“I’d love to take a selfie.”
The one thing your relationship needs more of? Documentation on Facebook or Instagram.
“Of course I know how to fix that.”
That’s what YouTube tutorials are for, right?
“I’m not intimidated by your ex.”
The former swimsuit model who just got his M.D. and spends half the year volunteering? No, you never even think about him.
“I’m pretty low maintenance.”
If by “low maintenance” you mean “I get up before you to make sure my breath is fresh, my hair is groomed, and I don’t look like I slept outdoors.”
“I’m just as disappointed about the Bachelor finale as you are.”
Until you Googled it, you thought a “rose ceremony” was something you paid extra for at prom. But if it keeps them happy, you’re game.
“I don’t ever use your grooming products.”
Why would you want to smell like mangoes and honey instead of something called “Glacier Rage”?
“Of course I’m listening.”
For the most part you are, so this isn’t a total lie, at least. And if you want to ensure your relationship’s longevity, discover these 40 Secrets of Couples Who’ve Been Married 40 Years.
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