40 Things No Man Over 40 Should Own

No, grown men don't have "Star Wars" bedsheets.

40 Things No Man Over 40 Should Own

No, grown men don't have "Star Wars" bedsheets.

There’s an old proverb (or maybe it’s just the title of a Broadway play) that reminds us of the universal truth: “You can’t take it with you.” Though they’re talking about life after death, I believe it applies to your 40s, as well. If you’re a man on the cusp of middle age, there’s a long list of things you should be leaving in the past. I’m talking about everything from scooters that would be mistaken for a child’s to wildly age-inappropriate clothing to the single worst haircut any man can have—especially someone at your dignified station in life.

Now, without further ado, here are the 40 things you should probably say goodbye to immediately. And once you’ve cut these things out of your life, be sure to learn the 40 words and phrases no man over 40 should ever say.

40s hoodie

1
Hoodies

Sorry. You’re just a little bit too mature for this look. And if your defense of your favorite hoodie contains, “Mark Zuckerberg wears an old hoodie every day! He’s a CEO!” You’d be right. And I’d like to remind you that he’s 33. And for more style rules in your middle-age years, here are The Definitive Style Rules for Men Over 40. 

Acoustic Guitar, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

2
Acoustic Guitar for Parties

In your head, it’s easy to convince yourself that everyone at the party is secretly hoping that a guy in his 40s will whip out a guitar and break into a one-man acoustic version of “Ants Marching.” But trust us on this one, they’re really not.

flip flops

3
Flip-flops

I know, this is a tough one. What else are you gonna wear when you’re trying to keep the chill vibes flowing and you’re kicking around the hacky sack with your best bros? Can we suggest shoes? And maybe lose the hacky sack? If you’re in the market for some great summer shoes, check out these handsome slip-ons.

track suit 40s

4
Tracksuits

Just because Tommy Hilfiger and Todd Snyder are making tracksuits now and Adidas insists that November 6th is “National Tracksuit Day” doesn’t make them okay. A tracksuit is just a gateway drug to a gold chains and Bermuda bucket hats. Run DMC is not a good look on a guy old enough to have been in Run DMC in the 80s. If you’re going to shop Tommy Hilfiger, check out their selection of blazers instead.

Funny tie, pizza tie, what to give up in your 40s

5
“Funny” Ties

You’re no longer the funniest guy at the frat party. You’re not even the quiet, shy one at the frat party. What on earth are you doing at a frat party?! Leave the party. Get a better tie. And while you’re at it, learn how to tie the dang thing too.

Velcro Wallet, what to give up in your 40s

6
Velcro Wallets

If you can’t pull out some cash or a credit card without making a loud riiiiipping sound, you’re legally not allowed to drive a car or own a home or sit at the grownups table at dinner. Also, you need a great, handsome wallet. After all, Real Men Carry Cash. 

Scooters, what to give up in your 40s

7
Scooters

We can prove to you that a scooter is a terrible idea with one video. Nothing about this electric scooter commercial is based on real life. Nobody who uses a scooter as his main mode of transportation wears a suit, has a “9am meeting,” or exchanges flirty glances with beautiful women. Also, this scooter is called the Swagtron Swagger. Seriously? It’s like you’re asking to get pelted with monkey poo. (Also, it should go without saying that hoverboards fall into the category of banned items after 40, as well.) If you want to commute on wheels, try instead one of the 17 most luxe, upscale bicycles on the market.

The Art of War, what to give up in your 40s

8
The Art of War by Sun Tzu

There are so many better ways to announce to the world that you’re someone who thinks he’s a “warrior” at life. Why not just mount some ninja swords on your bedroom wall and call it a day? Trust us: There is a better way to become a better boss.

Wine bottle candle holder, what to give up in your 40s

9
Wine Bottles as Candle Holders

Unless you live in an Italian restaurant (and kudos if you do), this is not nearly as cute as you think. That said, seeing as the Italians are the healthiest people on earth, you could do worse than mastering the 5 secret tricks for adopting an Italian lifestyle.

Photo courtesy of Gemma Morgan on Flickr. 

comfy boys balls deodorant 40s

10
Certain Specialized Deodorant

If your package is consistently sweaty enough that they require a pharmaceutical fumigant, it’s time to see a doctor.

Bowling shoes, what to give up in your 40s

11
Bowling Shoes

As we learned in this 2012 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, people can correctly guess your age, gender, and income just by looking at your shoes. You know what bowling shoes reveal about you? That you’re a teenager with no money who steals his footwear from bowling alleys.

Guy Fieri, what to give up in your 40s

12
A Guy Fieri Haircut

The Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives host is 49, but even if he was 32 and Katy Perry, it would still be a bad look. In fact, his cut is one of the worst hairstyles for men over 40.

Dirty clothes, what to give up in your 40s

13
Enormous Piles of Laundry

If you’ve ever uttered the sentence, “Aw crap, I’m out of clean underwear again,” it’s time to take a long, hard look at your life priorities.

Man watching porn, what to give up in your 40s

14
An Online Porn Membership

It’s debatable whether masturbation counts as exercise, but watching porn is not like going to the gym. If you’re paying a monthly membership fee, you’re doing porn very wrong. The right way to watch porn? With your partner—in fact, this is one of 25 ways to instantly turn yourself into a sex god.

Shot glasses, what to give up in your 40s

15
Shot Glasses

Are you really doing shots so often that you need your own hard-liquor glassware? Be more refined; keep a bar stocked with the glassware and liquor to make the 10 best nightcaps that will impress her every time.

AOL, what to give up in your 40s

16
An AOL Email Address

The only people who still have AOL addresses are hipsters who only listen to music on vinyl and your grandmother who still connects to the Internet with a landline. And since we’re all shooting off emails on the go, you should adopt the only mobile email signature anyone should use.

Speedo, what to give up in your 40s

17
Speedos

No, instead, try out one of the 25 sexiest swimsuits for men this summer.

40 things give up in 40s

18
A Story Involving a Jail Cell

That crazy yarn about you and your buds committed a minor felony back in college is a sure-fire crowd pleaser. But if you begin any dinner party story with “You’ll never believe how I ended up in jail last weekend,” don’t expect an enthusiastic response.

Key Chain with Bottle Opener40s, what to give up in your 40s

19
A Key Chain Bottle Opener

There is always a bottle opener nearby. If there isn’t, maybe you need to ask yourself, “Am I currently at a location where it’s appropriate to be drinking alcoholic beverages?” Maybe you wait until after church to crack open that frosty beer? If you’re a healthy, moderate drinker, try one of these 30 best post-workout beers of all time.

Man Playing Video Games, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

20
Gamer Injuries

We like playing a little Resident Evil 7 as much as the next guy, but if you’re playing so much that your thumbs are permanently calloused, you’ve been killing too many fake zombies and not getting nearly enough cardio and sunlight. That said, video games aren’t all bad. In fact, these 8 games are scientifically proven to make you smarter.

Hippies, what to give up in your 40s

21
Burning Man Friends

Having Burning Man friends means that you’ve attended enough Burning Man festivals to have a Burning Man social circle. That’s waaaaay too much Burning Man, man.

trump exercise yoga, things to give up in your 40s

22
Baseball Caps

Unless your name is Donald Trump, Aaron Judge, or Justin Beiber, you have no reason to be wearing a baseball cap. If you need a hat, there are better options, like these 10 perfect hats for men this summer.

Tattered t-shirt, lucky t-shirt, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

23
A “Lucky” Piece of Clothing

Sorry, but that crusty old t-shirt that you refuse to wash isn’t the same thing as Michael Jordan’s so-called “lucky shorts.” Please don’t make us enumerate the ways that you’re probably not the Michael Jordan of your office or local pickup games. So toss the t-shirt out, and stock up instead on the one white t-shirt that every man needs to own.

40s roommates

24
A Roommate

It’s fine to live with other people. They’re called your wife and kids.

Band t-shirt, what to give up in your 40s

25
Band T-shirts

Who exactly do we think we’re impressing with our Spoon concert tee?

Tinder, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

26
A Tinder Account

If your dating app of choice has been blamed for the rise of STDs in some states, it might be time to move on to the next best pickup scene; whistling at girls outside convenience stores. But on a serious note, if you are indeed on the market, you should try one of the best dating apps for people over 40.

Wallet Chains, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

27
Wallet Chains

There’s no good explanation for a wallet chain. Worried about losing your wallet? Unless you’re biking through rough mountain terrain, your concerns are unfounded. And if you’re biking through rough mountain terrain, what do you need a wallet for?

Star Wars bedding, what to give up in your 40s

28
Themed Bedsheets

At your age, you should be more concerned with thread counts than whether your sheets have a cool illustration of Han Solo. And while we’re on the subject of beds…

Floor mattress, bed without frame, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

29
A Bed without a Frame

If you’re just out of college and living with three other guys in a city apartment, a mattress on the floor is fine. (At least you’ve graduated from a futon.) But unless your life goal is to be a character in a Tom Waits song, you’re way too old to not be investing in the entire bed. And if you’re living a truly transient existence, check out these 10 Cool Campers That Beat a Hotel Room Any Day. 

Bongs, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

30
A Bong

Nothing wrong with smoking a little weed to unwind after a long day. As long as it doesn’t involve a six-foot bong that you’ve nicknamed The Wizard.

Man in skinny jeans, v40s, what to give up in your 40s

31
Skinny Jeans

The only person allowed to wear skinny jeans over the age of 40 is Iggy Pop. End of story.

Frozen pizza rolls, what to give up in your 40s

32
Frozen Pizza Rolls

A freezer filled with pizza rolls and other microwavable junk food is not an option for the modern man. If you’re a snacker, instead, stock your kitchen with the 5 best high-protein snacks for men.

Passport, what to give up in your 40s

33
An Unstamped Passport

You do realize that a passport isn’t just for threatening to leave the country when your presidential candidate of choice doesn’t get elected, right? No, it’s for checking out the 20 cities you need to visit before you die.

 

Pulp Fiction poster, what to give up in your 40s

34
Unframed Posters

A Pulp Fiction movie poster taped to your wall is just one step above refrigerator magnets in the hierarchy of home decor. Don’t do this. Instead, follow Nate Berkus’s advice for decorating your walls.

Older man younger woman, what to give up in your 40s

35
A Girlfriend Born in the Clinton Years

Okay, so you don’t technically “own” a girlfriend, but she still belongs on this list. If she can only recall the three most recent leaders of the free world, you are officially dating too young, buddy.

Tattoo, tattoo removal, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

36
A Tattoo Less Than Five Years Old

A fresh tattoo on a 40 year old isn’t cool or dangerous or a symbol of your unique personality. It’s the “buying a sports car because I’m terrified of growing old” of our generation. (That said, there are some very cool vehicles on the market right now, like these 10 sports cars built for dominating the open road.)

 

Taco bell hot sauce, what to give up in your 40s

37
A Fast Food Condiment Packet Collection

Taco Bell hot sauce is an occasional guilty pleasure, not a home kitchen staple.

The art of fellatio, what to give up in your 40s

Even Ron Jeremy thinks this is gross, and he gets paid to do it.

Man living on a couch, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

39
A Buddy on Your Couch

No. You shouldn’t even be Facebook friends with this guy any more, much less letting him “crash” with you until his divorce finalized and he can get his own place to live. You know that’s never happening, right?

Black eye, 40s, what to give up in your 40s

40
A Black Eye

It’s not that you can’t take a punch, it’s that you’re still finding yourself in situations where you have to take a punch.

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