125 Funny One-Liners That Will Crack Up Your Friends

We've all experienced awkward moments of silence. They can happen anywhere, even in a gathering of old friends. There's a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. You want to save everyone with the perfect comment, but your mind is blank. But if you had a game plan—a fool-proof joke or just a one-liner that could instantly suck all the tension out of the room—why, you'd be a hero! You'd be the Chevy Chase circa the late-'70s of your social circle—the one who can be counted on to say the perfect thing at the perfect time. If you want that dream to become a reality, read on. We've collected 125 clever, silly, and funny one-liners for you to keep in your back pocket for just such an occasion.

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The Funniest One-Liners About Yourself

1. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
2. I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
5. I was addicted to the hokey pokey but thankfully, I turned myself around.
6. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
7. This is my step ladder, I never knew my real ladder.
8. I have all the money I'll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
9. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
10. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
11. I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
12. Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
13. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
14. When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.
15. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
16. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
17. My math teacher called me average. How mean!
18. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
19. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
20. My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
21. Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
22. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
23. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
24. I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch.

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One-Line Jokes About Dating

25. I don't have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
26. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
27. We may not be socks, but I know we'd make a great pair.
28. Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentine's Day. Feb. 14.
29. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium were dating I was like OMg.
30. Did you hear about the notebook that married the pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
31. I've been on three dates with a guy who works at a zoo. I think he's a keeper.
32. I was told never to date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
33. Never date an apostrophe. They can be a little possessive.
34. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
35. I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant, but we had to break up. She couldn't stomach my cheesy jokes.
36. You shouldn't kiss anyone on Jan. 1, because it's only the first date.
37. My friend set me up on a blind date, and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
38. My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me. I've got some big shoes to fill.
39. I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. I guess we aren't going to work out.
40. I told my son, if you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing: they are just big raisins.
41. If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your FedEx.
42. My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I Schwepped her off her feet.

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Dirty One-Liners

43. I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
44. My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved, you know what that means? I said, "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
45. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
46. Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time.
47. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn't have time.
48. Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100 percent off.
49. Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg you can actually hear them say "what the f*ck are you doing?"
50. I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
51. Weddings are an expensive way to let your entire family know you are getting laid that night.
52. I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep, which is the ultimate rejection.
53. The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.
54. Me: "Remember when I rubbed you out?" Genie: "Don't say it like that…"
55. Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.
56. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
57. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
58. Our w‌‌hole family i‌‌s really worried a‌‌bout m‌‌y grandfather's Viagra addiction, and grandma i‌‌s taking i‌‌t particularly hard.
59. Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance but the short story is, my girlfriend said no.
60. He called it a cheap circumcision, but we just call it a rip-off.
61. They say Santa only comes once a year, which is probably why he doesn't have any kids.

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More Funny One-Liners for Friends

62. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
63. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
64. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, get out. We don't want your type here."
65. Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
66. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
67. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
68. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
69. Apparently, you can't use "beef stew" as a password—it's not stroganoff.
70. Parallel lines have so much in common, but it's a shame they'll never meet.
71. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
72. It's impossible to joke around with a kleptomaniac. They always take things literally.
73. Why aren't dogs good dancers, you ask? Because they've got two left feet.
74. My friends didn't like their son's biology teacher. He had too many skeletons in his closet.
75. We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
76. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
77. Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
78. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
79. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
80. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock-climbing catastrophe.
81. There was a kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground. It was a knot-for-profit.
82. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
83. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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One-Liner Jokes About Animals

84. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
85. A fish swam into a concrete wall. Dam!
86. I saw a parade of rabbits hopping backward. It was crazy, I'd never seen a receding hare line like that.
87. I saw a bear with no teeth the other day. His friends kept calling him Gummy Bear.
88. Did you see that illegally parked frog get toad away?
89. There's a veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs. It's part of an anti-litter campaign.
90. I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven't seen any with more than 4.
91. Do you think Noah included termites on the ark?
92. Lab reports are always my dog's favorite homework assignment.
93. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
94. I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he has a job?"
95. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
96. It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and interrupt his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
97. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
98. I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
99. The teddy bear had to say no to dessert. He was already stuffed.
100. My friend asked, "Why don't cats play poker in the jungle anymore?" I told him it was because there were too many cheetahs.
101. Life's like a bird. It's pretty cute until it poops on your head.
102. I threw a ball for my dog. Sure, it was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

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The Best One-Line Jokes

103. It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You'll have trouble putting on your pants.
104. Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.
105. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
106. The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar, and then things got a little tense.
107. There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant, so I decided not to take sides.
108. I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… But the kids still get in.
109. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…'"A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this…"
110. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
111. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store free yet?
112. The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
113. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
114. You'll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
115. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
116. Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
117. No one should have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
118. A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.
119. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.
120. You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked.
121. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
122. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
123. Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
124. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
125. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Wrapping Up

That's it for our list of funny one-liners, but be sure to check back in with us soon for more fun!