Parks and Recreation stands as out as one of the greatest sitcoms of our time for many reasons, one being its high volume of perfectly executed jokes. The fast-paced nature of the show requires a lot of punchlines, and the writing is so sharp that a throw-away joke is a rarity. It's hard to choose our favorite Parks and Rec quotes among so many incredible options, but we never shy away from a challenge. Below is a list of the best Parks and Rec quotes from our favorite people of Pawnee, Indiana. And for even more laughs, check out The 30 Funniest Celebrity Commercials.
1
"Everything hurts and I'm dying."
-Leslie Knope, "Campaign Shake-Up" (Episode 4, Episode, 17)
We couldn't have put it better ourselves. For more hilarious banter, check out The 30 Funniest Sitcom Jokes of All Time.
2
"Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, That's impossible."
-Andy Dwyer, "Filibuster" (Season 6, Episode 5)
Don't try this one out on your significant other at home, folks. And for more from our heartthrob-worthy comedy crushes, look no further than our list of the 30 Funniest Sitcom Characters Of All Time.
3
"I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."
-Ron Swanson, "Flu Season" (Season 3, Episode 2)
Never talking is the most beautiful part of a male friendship. We're jealous of this sacred bond between Ron and his bestie.
4
"Sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot."
-Tom Haverford, "Ben's Parents" (Season 5, Episode 6)
It's just like mother always said. For shows that ball even more than Tom, check out the 30 Funniest Sitcoms Of All Time.
5
"If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair."
-Chris Traeger, "Bus Tour" (Season 4, Episode 21)
Recite this to your reflection at the gym. Do ten more reps. Repeat.
6
"I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann."
-April Ludgate, "Bus Tour" (Season 4, Episode 21)
April Ludgate is an inspiration to us all. May we never be listening, and may we always find a way to outwit our enemies.
7
"I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired."
-Andy Dwyer, "Correspondents' Lunch" (Season 5, Episode 15)
We wish it was socially acceptable to use this as an answer when politely asked how we're doing, because this is spot on. But for much better advice, here are the 40 Life Secrets You Need After 40.
8
"Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out."
-Ron Swanson, "Flu Season 2" (Season 6, Episode 18)
When in doubt, we suggest sticking to this sage piece of advice. And for more hilarious one liners, check out Ryan Reynolds' 30 Funniest Tweets.
9
"There's nothing we can't do if we work work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives."
-Leslie Knope, "Citizen Knope" (Season 4, Episode 10)
Leslie technically isn't wrong here, but we're going to stick with sleeping. For much better advice that's not in the form of Parks and Rec quotes, here are the 40 Best Ways to Jumpstart Your Career.
10
"Boss man, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again."
-Mona Lisa, "London" (Season 6, Episode 1)
It would feel so good to quit with this quote, but we don't advise doing so if you're gunning for that letter of recommendation. And for some truly inspiring quotes, here are the 50 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love.
11
"I'm going to tell you all of my secrets…"
"…. I once forgot to brush my teeth for 5 weeks. I didn't actually sell my car, I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2 percent milk I don't know what the other 98 percent is. When I was a baby my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan and then it attacked my niece, Rebecca."
-Andy Dwyer, "New Slogan" (Season 6, Episode 15)
Well, now we know what happened to Andy's brain, and we hope Rebecca is okay. And for more laughs, don't miss the 40 Facts So Funny They're Hard to Believe.
12
"No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male US Senator."
-Leslie Knope, "Fluoride" (Season 6, Episode 7)
This one feels even more relevant today.
13
"Thank god my grandfather just died, so I am fluh-uh-shed with ca-ah-ash."
-Jean-Ralphio, "Woman of the Year" (Season 2, Episode 17)
Any joke with this setup is off to a good start.
14
"Treat yo self."
-Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford, "Pawnee Rangers" (Season 4, Episode 4)
As far as we're concerned, this is the official golden rule.
15
"I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here…"
"…Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing."
-April Ludgate, "Greg Pikitis" (Season 2, Episode 7)
As a general rule, never pass up a gay Halloween party to be anywhere. And if you're hitting up a party, don't miss these 30 Party No-No's.
16
"These dogs are so cute I want to throw up and kill myself."
-Craig Middlebrooks, "Fluoride" (Season 6, Episode 7)
A bit dramatic, but we get it. Dogs are the best.
17
Can we have ONE conversation about feminism where MEN get to be in charge?"
-Kip Bunthart, "Pie-Mary" (Season 7, Episode 9)
We've all met this guy. Note, fellas: This is definitely one of the things You Should Never Say to a Woman.
18
"We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. It doesn't matter. But work is third."
-Leslie Knope, "The Fight" (Season 3, Episode 13)
It's a tough call between friends and waffles, but we agree with Leslie on where work lands.
19
"I totally hear you, but, erm, I also don't like what you're saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom."
-Mona Lisa, "Bailout" (Season 5, Episode 16)
Mona Lisa is literally the worst.
20
"It's like I always say. When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma's jewelry, and go clubbing."
-Jean-Ralphio, "London" (Season 6, Episode 1)
A saying as old as time itself.
21
"I would like to be president someday, so no I have note smoke marijuana…"
"…I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie."
-Leslie Knope, "The Stakeout" (Season 2, Episode 2)
Now that's a brownie we'd be game to try.
22
"Do I look like I drink water?"
-Donna Meagle, "Campaign Shake-Up" ( Season 4, Episode 17)
The words of a true boss. Use this when you need to strike fear in those around you.
23
"How do you make any event classy on a budget?…"
"Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet."
-Tom Haverford, "The Comeback Kid" ( Season 4, Episode 11)
Is it bad that we would totally put red carpet insoles in our shoes? Don't answer that. And if you're apartment is entirely carpeted in red, be sure you know the 50 Ways to Look Red Carpet Ready.
24
"Oh my god! [catches calculator] Hey, Dr. Buttons!…I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name."
-Ben Wyatt, "The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic" ( Season 6, Episode 3)
Ben Wyatt makes us feel better about our nerdiness.
25
"If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me."
-Chris Traeger, "The Debate" ( Season 4, Episode 20)
Chris Traeger is a strong, independent man.
26
"I guess my thoughts on abortion are, you know, let's all just have a good time."
-Bobby Newport, "The Debate" ( Season 4, Episode 20)
"Let's all just have a good time" is a great stance to take in any debate. Who's going to disagree with that?
27
"Are you duking on my chest right now?"
– Councilman Jamm,"Filibuster" (Season 6, Episode 5)
We're so grateful to Councilman Jamm for gifting us with this quote to use during very serious arguments.
28
"I really only listen to, like, German Death Reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously."
-April Ludgate, "Swing Vote" ( Season 5, Episode 21)
Obviously.
29
"Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?"
-Ann Perkins, "The Treaty" ( Season 4, Episode 7)
This is something we ask ourselves all of the time.
30
"No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that."
-Ben Wyatt, "London" ( Season 6, Episode 1)
Can we put in a formal request to have the Buckingham Palace redecorated to look like Hogwarts?
Now that you've read these Parks and Rec quotes, you probably want to be the next Leslie Knope. Take this cognitive test to see if you could follow in her footsteps.
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