40 Things No Man Over 40 Should Ever Say to a Woman in Bed

Back in our 20s, it was easy to be excused for the occasional faux pas in bed. We were still relatively new to being naked with strangers, so we may've said some things or asked some questions that were, let's say, not the most appropriate in hindsight. But by the time we reach 40, our sexual résumé is a bit more impressive. We've had some experiences (hopefully), and we know how to talk to a woman in the bedroom without sounding like a wide-eyed kid in a candy shop. If you've topped 40 and still utter any of these phrases before, during, or after sex, you need to stop—immediately. And for moments outside dirty talk, here are more words and phrases you need to stop saying by the time you're 40.

If you can't identify a pity orgasm by now, it's debatable whether you've been in the same room during a real one. Frankly, you should learn how to tell if she's not satisfied in bed.

You sure do know the way to a girl's heart, don't you? What's the matter, you got a bus to catch? And here are some more things you should never say to a naked woman.

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Lovely. Unsolicited hygiene advice is a terrible idea in general, but it's especially awful when you're both undressed. Actually, while you're at it, take steps to make sure you smell appealing enough too.

It's not okay when a 20 year old says it, but when a 40-plus year old man, someone who's old enough to understand the consequences, complains that "it doesn't feel as good with condoms," no self-respecting woman is gonna stick around. To fix that "it doesn't feel as good" problem, brush up on how to have a stronger orgasm.

Do us all a favor, and stop taking sexual cues from Vince Vaughn movies.

You're old enough (and hopefully employed enough) to have health insurance. Make a dermatology appointment and keep your skin cancer screenings out of the bedroom. In fact, keep your skin an Adonis gold with these 10 best skin care products of all time.

Sure you are, Tex. A 40-year-old rambling man. Nothing depressing about that. You should probably check out the single best way to boost your sex appeal.

Allow us to speak for your partner and the neighbors: Nobody needs to see that.

Real life isn't produced by Brazzers. You shouldn't ask to stand like Superman. In fact, you probably should learn the oral sex mistakes you might be making.

So many red flags in one sentence. The most distressing one is, does a man in his 40s not have a valid credit card in which to reserve his own ride? Also, why are you asking her now? There must be a better time, like when you're both wearing pants. (And there is a better way to ride: Uber VIP. Here's how to unlock it.)

See, a thing about being 40 is: you're old enough to be a father. Even if you aren't, calling yourself "daddy" in a sexual setting just makes everybody uncomfortable.

If you've learned nothing else about women by now, it should be that even the ones with flawless bodies don't like to feel like they're on display. Honestly, even porn stars would probably rather turn out the lights. And while you're at it, learn how to have better sex tonight with these essential tips.

You sure know how to make a lady feel special. And you can have more, better sex with these everyday sex-drive boosters.

Ah, the ol' pubic hair critique. Because if there's one thing every 40-year-old man knows, it's that her body is your business. Oh wait, we mean the opposite.

No, no, we get it, you're just offering some constructive criticism… that she's terrible. Have fun giving yourself an orgasm later! Now, what you should be saying to women: the 13 sexiest phrases that will unlock her heart every time.

Why would she? It's not like anybody's amateur porn has ever accidentally ended up on the Internet. What could possibly go wrong?

See #2. Unless you're trying to make excuses for the premature ejaculation that's about to happen, this is never okay. In fact, take the opposite approach, and learn how to make sex last (much) longer.

This is one of those questions that has no answer. She says yes and she's a jerk. She says no and then she has to watch you cry. Also, what about sex makes you cry? You might be doing it wrong.

Perhaps the two worst words you could ever say in bed with a woman. Ever.

Dude.

Are you a pre-teen? Stop it! In fact, if you're saying this in bed, you may have a smartphone addiction.

Size insecurity (and that's exactly what this is) isn't charming on a guy at any age. But at 40, you need to calm down about your penis. The answer, by the way, is yes, she absolutely has seen one that big, and she's still not impressed. You should be more concerned about its health, so here are 10 ways to keep your penis healthy forever.

Politics in the bedroom makes as much sense as bringing up your penis size during a presidential debate. No one would ever… oh, wait.

Spoiler alert: No, she's not.

That's your post-coital ritual? No wonder you're still single at 40. Get out there by using these dating apps for men over 40.

So wrong on so many levels. It's like asking a woman if she's pregnant even if she really, really, really looks pregnant. Even if you guess right, nobody responds with "I'm so happy you noticed!"

Unless this is your first time, you might want to keep this question to yourself.

Like a true gentleman in his 40s, you apparently find all of your romantic partners at beer keggers.

Congratulations, it only took you two decades to find it. It took less time for NASA to get a man to the moon.

There's no explanation that's gonna make this sound like a compliment.

What a super way of telling her you're a spiritual person and you're pretty sure you and she have committed a cardinal sin.

Hey, your frat house called, they said you're way too old to be talking like the creepiest guy in the frat.

Are you kidding me? No, no, never bring up her weight. The only worse thing you could've said is…

Aaaaaand you said it.

Well sure, what 40-year-old guy whose life is going exactly like he planned doesn't live in his parent's basement?

For what? Working another double shift at McDonald's? You're going places, kiddo.

Suuuuure you do. Weren't you the one who insisted that the lights be turned on? You know she can see down there, right?

We don't know where to even begin.

An order of sunny-side-up along with you getting the hell out of her apartment.

Actually, she'll probably be fine with it. As long as you don't start crying.

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