40 Things No Man Over 40 Should Ever Say to a Woman in Bed
Meet the one-way tickets to the couch or the curb.
Back in our 20s, it was easy to be excused for the occasional faux pas in bed. We were still relatively new to being naked with strangers, so we may’ve said some things or asked some questions that were, let’s say, not the most appropriate in hindsight. But by the time we reach 40, our sexual résumé is a bit more impressive. We’ve had some experiences (hopefully), and we know how to talk to a woman in the bedroom without sounding like a wide-eyed kid in a candy shop. If you’ve topped 40 and still utter any of these phrases before, during, or after sex, you need to stop—immediately. And for moments outside dirty talk, here are more words and phrases you need to stop saying by the time you’re 40.
“Were you faking it?”
If you can’t identify a pity orgasm by now, it’s debatable whether you’ve been in the same room during a real one. Frankly, you should learn how to tell if she’s not satisfied in bed.
“We can skip the foreplay, right?
You sure do know the way to a girl’s heart, don’t you? What’s the matter, you got a bus to catch? And here are some more things you should never say to a naked woman.
“You should probably take a shower first.”
Lovely. Unsolicited hygiene advice is a terrible idea in general, but it’s especially awful when you’re both undressed. Actually, while you’re at it, take steps to make sure you smell appealing enough too.
“I never use condoms.”
It’s not okay when a 20 year old says it, but when a 40-plus year old man, someone who’s old enough to understand the consequences, complains that “it doesn’t feel as good with condoms,” no self-respecting woman is gonna stick around. To fix that “it doesn’t feel as good” problem, brush up on how to have a stronger orgasm.
“It’s time to do a little motorboatin’…”
Do us all a favor, and stop taking sexual cues from Vince Vaughn movies.
“Does this mole looks weird? Should I get it checked out?”
You’re old enough (and hopefully employed enough) to have health insurance. Make a dermatology appointment and keep your skin cancer screenings out of the bedroom. In fact, keep your skin an Adonis gold with these 10 best skin care products of all time.
“Don’t fall in love with me, baby. I’m nothin’ but trouble.”
Sure you are, Tex. A 40-year-old rambling man. Nothing depressing about that. You should probably check out the single best way to boost your sex appeal.
“I hope it’s cool if we leave the shades up so the neighbors can see us.”
Allow us to speak for your partner and the neighbors: Nobody needs to see that.
“Do you mind if I stand for the oral part?”
Real life isn’t produced by Brazzers. You shouldn’t ask to stand like Superman. In fact, you probably should learn the oral sex mistakes you might be making.
“Can you call me an Uber?”
So many red flags in one sentence. The most distressing one is, does a man in his 40s not have a valid credit card in which to reserve his own ride? Also, why are you asking her now? There must be a better time, like when you’re both wearing pants. (And there is a better way to ride: Uber VIP. Here’s how to unlock it.)
“Who’s your daddy?”
See, a thing about being 40 is: you’re old enough to be a father. Even if you aren’t, calling yourself “daddy” in a sexual setting just makes everybody uncomfortable.
“Let’s turn the lights on. No, all of them.”
If you’ve learned nothing else about women by now, it should be that even the ones with flawless bodies don’t like to feel like they’re on display. Honestly, even porn stars would probably rather turn out the lights. And while you’re at it, learn how to have better sex tonight with these essential tips.
“What’s your name again?”
You sure know how to make a lady feel special. And you can have more, better sex with these everyday sex-drive boosters.
“Things are looking a little… wild down there.”
Ah, the ol’ pubic hair critique. Because if there’s one thing every 40-year-old man knows, it’s that her body is your business. Oh wait, we mean the opposite.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
No, no, we get it, you’re just offering some constructive criticism… that she’s terrible. Have fun giving yourself an orgasm later! Now, what you should be saying to women: the 13 sexiest phrases that will unlock her heart every time.
“Mind if I film this?”
Why would she? It’s not like anybody’s amateur porn has ever accidentally ended up on the Internet. What could possibly go wrong?
“Let’s hurry this up.”
See #2. Unless you’re trying to make excuses for the premature ejaculation that’s about to happen, this is never okay. In fact, take the opposite approach, and learn how to make sex last (much) longer.
“Is it gonna creep you out if I start crying?”
This is one of those questions that has no answer. She says yes and she’s a jerk. She says no and then she has to watch you cry. Also, what about sex makes you cry? You might be doing it wrong.
Perhaps the two worst words you could ever say in bed with a woman. Ever.
“You’ve let yourself go a bit.”
“Want to Face Swap?”
Are you a pre-teen? Stop it! In fact, if you’re saying this in bed, you may have a smartphone addiction.
“Have you ever seen one this big?”
Size insecurity (and that’s exactly what this is) isn’t charming on a guy at any age. But at 40, you need to calm down about your penis. The answer, by the way, is yes, she absolutely has seen one that big, and she’s still not impressed. You should be more concerned about its health, so here are 10 ways to keep your penis healthy forever.
“Are you seriously a Trump supporter?”
Politics in the bedroom makes as much sense as bringing up your penis size during a presidential debate. No one would ever… oh, wait.
“My last girlfriend was a wild one in the sack. There was one time, oh man you’re gonna love this story…”
Spoiler alert: No, she’s not.
“Let’s watch TV when this is over.”
That’s your post-coital ritual? No wonder you’re still single at 40. Get out there by using these dating apps for men over 40.
“How many kids have you had?”
So wrong on so many levels. It’s like asking a woman if she’s pregnant even if she really, really, really looks pregnant. Even if you guess right, nobody responds with “I’m so happy you noticed!”
“Is it supposed to feel like that?”
Unless this is your first time, you might want to keep this question to yourself.
“Thank God for beer goggles.”
Like a true gentleman in his 40s, you apparently find all of your romantic partners at beer keggers.
“Wait, that’s your clitoris?”
Congratulations, it only took you two decades to find it. It took less time for NASA to get a man to the moon.
“Do you mind if I call you another name?”
There’s no explanation that’s gonna make this sound like a compliment.
“Want to pray with me afterwards?”
What a super way of telling her you’re a spiritual person and you’re pretty sure you and she have committed a cardinal sin.
“You’re not one of those feminists who’s going to make me ask permission for every little thing, are you?”
Hey, your frat house called, they said you’re way too old to be talking like the creepiest guy in the frat.
“Have you lost weight?”
Are you kidding me? No, no, never bring up her weight. The only worse thing you could’ve said is…
“Have you gained weight?”
Aaaaaand you said it.
“Shhh. My parents are sleeping upstairs.”
Well sure, what 40-year-old guy whose life is going exactly like he planned doesn’t live in his parent’s basement?
“Can I borrow your car later?”
For what? Working another double shift at McDonald’s? You’re going places, kiddo.
“You don’t have any Magnum condoms? I only wear Magnums.”
Suuuuure you do. Weren’t you the one who insisted that the lights be turned on? You know she can see down there, right?
“I can’t wait to meet your grandmother and find out what you’re gonna look like in 50 years.”
We don’t know where to even begin.
“What’s for breakfast?”
An order of sunny-side-up along with you getting the hell out of her apartment.
“Can I be the small spoon?”
Actually, she’ll probably be fine with it. As long as you don’t start crying.
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