139 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh

Did that joke make you grimace or recoil in horror? Or did you laugh out loud even though you know you probably shouldn't have? If you did the latter, then it was probably a horrific joke that some would categorize as "dark humor"—and is not for everyone, obviously. But if twisted and macabre banter makes you giggle, take a look at these 140 hilarious dark jokes. You might just catch yourself guffawing, despite the gruesome subject matter.

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How Are Dark Jokes Defined?

Dark humor jokes revolve around all things grim, particularly tragedy, death, and despair. Also known as black comedy, these wisecracks are often used as a tool to cope with and explore events unfolding in real life. The term was actually originally coined by Surrealist theorist André Breton back in 1935 when he was interpreting the writings of Jonathan Swift. Just five years later, Brenton published his Anthologie de L'humour Noir, which translates to "Anthology of Black Humor."

The Best Dark Humor Jokes

1. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
2. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
3. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
4. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
5. I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." She said, "But I don't wear glasses." I replied, while polishing my lenses, "Yeah, but I do."
6. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
7. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
8. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
9. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
10. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
11. You know you're not well-liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
12. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
13. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
14. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
15. A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
16. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it 23 times.
17. It turns out that a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
18. I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
19. What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
20. What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer's and diarrhea. You're running but can't remember where.
21. My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
22. "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
23. What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
24. I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance I told her, "Thank you I did gymnastics as a kid."
25. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
26. What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
27. "I work with animals," a guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he replies.
28. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.

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Dark Jokes About Deadbeat Dads

29. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
30. What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
31. What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
32. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
33. Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year? Because they don't have a Father's Day.
34. Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your dad.
35. Why do so many kids love boomerangs? Because they always come back.
36. Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.
37. Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker? It's the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.
38. Dad: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Child: "But why?" Dad: "Because you're going to need them there."
39. Why do some kids have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
40. What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad? The pizza guy shows up when you call him.
41. I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.
42. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? Neither one of them can be found.
43. I wasn't close to my father when he died, which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
44. My dad wasn't absent, he was just fathering remotely.
45. What do you call a deadbeat dad who tries to care for his kids and pays his child support on time? A unicorn.
46. What do you call a priest who grew up as an orphan? Father Les.
47. Spring is like a deadbeat dad. It keeps promising it'll be there but never shows up.
48. I miss all those "absent father" jokes people used to make. When are they coming back?
49. You're a deadbeat dad when your kid is turning three years old, and you are still showing people ultrasound photos.
50. Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
51. What do a hardware store and a deadbeat dad have in common? Screws, nuts, and bolts.

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Funny Dark Jokes

52. Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
53. I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
54. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
55. First rule of Vegan Club: You tell everyone about Vegan Club.
56. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
57. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
58. What's Harry Potter's favorite way of going down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling.
59. Where did Josh go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
60. If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.
61. "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars.
62. What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.
63. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
64. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
65. "Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
66. I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
67. I wanted to die, but then I got a job. Now I really want to die.
68. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
69. It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my good friends would still be alive.
70. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
71. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
72. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
73. I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
74. I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99 percent of you will never get it.
75. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.
76. I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest. So I entered my friend.
77. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
78. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
79. What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

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Dark Humor Jokes About Family and Relationships

80. My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, asking, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!"
81. My boyfriend said to me the other day, "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new." Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything."
82. A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks, Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
83. At home, they treat me like God. I'm generally ignored until someone wants something.
84. "What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
85. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in.
86. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
87. I'll never forget my granddad's last words to me just before he died: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
88. Today I made a decision to visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
89. My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I was too mysterious. Or did he?
90. My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning. I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let him sleep."
91. Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
92. I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
93. My girlfriend's birthday is in a week and she said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!" So I got her nothing.
94. I went to see my dentist and he warned me it was going to hurt. He ended up telling me he was having an affair with my wife.
95. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
96. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
97. Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
98. I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
99. When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
100. Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver.
101. My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
102. I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
103. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
104. My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
105. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I passed her a glue stick accidentally instead. She still isn't talking to me.
106. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I?!"
107. My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
108. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
109. I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my husband about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
110. My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

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More Twisted Dark Jokes

111. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
112. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
113. I told my psychiatrist that I'd been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
114. What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
115. A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
116. I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It's not easy. You try finding 32 old guys.
117. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
118. "Indecisive" is my favorite word. Actually, no, it isn't.
119. My kid, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
120. You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
121. My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them so I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
122. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
123. Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
124. Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
125. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
126. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
127. "Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
128. "I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
129. I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
130. I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
131. A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy.
132. My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
133. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
134. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
135. Why is the ocean so salty? Probably because the land doesn't wave back.
136. The only idea that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
137. A limbo champion walks into a bar. He's disqualified.
138. My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I didn't even care.
139. Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!

Dark Humor Memes You'll Love

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Why Do I Have Such a Dark Sense of Humor?

If you find yourself laughing at all things grim and gruesome, it could be a sign that you're smarter than the average person.

That's been proven by science. A 2017 study by Austrian neurologists published in Cognitive Processing found that people with a dark sense of humor, which they define as anything that "treats sinister subjects like death, disease, deformity, handicap, or warfare with bitter amusement," may actually have higher IQs than those who don't.

What's more, these individuals are less negative and aggressive than people who strictly prefer G-rated family-friendly jokes. Why? Because if you can see the humor in even the bleakest parts of life, and you can laugh at truly dark jokes, you're less likely to take the world too seriously.

According to other experts in the field, using dark humor is often—if not always—a coping mechanism used to help us process the more difficult parts of life.

Peter McGraw, Professor of Marketing at the University of Colorado Boulder and founder of the Humor Research Lab, told Gizmodo, "Tragedies, calamities, pandemics—these are all great fodder for jokes because they already satisfy half the requirement: the wrong, the threat, the violation."

He refers to any renewed interest in dark humor after a personal hardship as a "thermostat approach" to grieving. "You're using a joke to change the temperature in the room," he explains.

He's even got a term for when we start to move forward in the process. He calls it the "thermometer approach," or any attempt to demonstrate that we have successfully coped and are ready to move on. And yes, you can bet that message will come in the form of a dark and dour joke.

Wrapping Up

That's it for our list of dark jokes, but be sure to check back in with us soon for more fun!