Having a child can be an awe-inspiring experience, overwhelming you in an instant with a love unlike you’ve ever known. However, for many women, the nine months leading up to that point are anything but blissful. Whether you’re an average Joe or celebrity, pregnancy is a great equalizer, with women from all walks of life entering into the same sisterhood of swollen ankles and strange cravings.
These celebrity moms aren’t afraid to spill some dirt on what really goes on behind the scenes during those 40 weeks; herein, we’ve rounded up their funniest quotes about being pregnant. And if you’re expecting your own little one, make sure to check out these 30 Best Baby Names for 2018.
Perpetual confusion during pregnancy isn’t a myth—just ask Olivia Wilde.
“Baby brain is real. I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment including iPhones,” the actress tweeted. And when you want to boost your mental clarity, start with The 50 Best Foods for Your Brain.
One good thing about being pregnant? All the special treatment you’ll get at work, according to Chrissy Teigen.
“Everyone thinks they have to baby me…Everybody is so sweet and they all whisper around you, like you’re going to explode if someone raises their voice. It’s a very surreal environment,” she told Cosmopolitan. And for more of the supermodel’s words on the matter, See Chrissy Teigen’s Candid Words about Postpartum Life.
Pregnancy cravings can come out of left field, like Tina Fey’s sudden desire to gorge herself on donuts, much to the dismay of her doctor.
“I had this thing for Entenmann’s chocolate donuts. Somewhere during my pregnancy I gained something like nine pounds in two weeks and my doctor was like, ‘You know what it might be? Are you drinking a lot of juice?’ I was like, ‘Yeah. That must be it.’ I was eating like a box a day of Entenmann’s donuts,” she told People. And if you’re looking to shave off a few donut-related pounds yourself, check out these 20 Surprising Weight Loss Tips That Anyone Can Do.
The quickest way to anger your pregnant partner? Say “we’re pregnant” instead of giving her sole credit for all the hard work, according to Mila Kunis.
“Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila,” the actress told Jimmy Kimmel and other fathers-to-be.
Going to work while pregnant can be hilarious as it is, but when you’re a performer, it’s an extra-special experience, according to Amy Poehler.
“Doing sketch comedy on live television while pregnant is like wearing a sombrero. You can pretend to be a serious person, but the giant hat gives you away,” the actress said in her book, Yes Please. And for more hilarity from Amy, check out the 30 Funniest Jokes from Parks & Recreation.
That pregnancy glow everyone talks about? It’s all smoke and mirrors, says mom of two Jessica Simpson.
“People always say that pregnant women have a glow,” she says. “And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. I think they just tell pregnant women they’re glowing to make them feel good about themselves,” she told People. And for more hilarious quotes from your favorite stars, check out The 30 Funniest Pieces of Celebrity Parenting Advice.
While certain components of your beauty ritual inevitably change during pregnancy, we’re guessing Padma Lakshmi hadn’t anticipated adding a “buttering ceremony” to her routine.
“One thing that happens when you’re pregnant is that as your stomach starts to stretch [and] it itches! So I have to keep my belly really lubricated,” she told People. “Every morning, there’s a buttering ceremony after I get out of the shower.”
Some women feel conflicted about the changes in their body during pregnancy. For Kristen Bell, however, she felt nothing short of goddess-like while expecting.
“I look in the mirror and I think it’s the reverse body dysmorphia, because I can understand what my shape is, but I see Brooke Shields,” she told Ellen DeGeneres. And when you want to feel that good all the time, try out these 70 Genius Tricks to Boost Your Confidence.
Of course, growing a human isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, moms can get downright jealous of how tiny their baby is compared to their own expanding body, as evidenced by this hilarious quip from Pink.
Law & Order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay got such special treatment during her pregnancy that she thinks that everyone should get to enjoy the same experience.
“When I was pregnant, I was so huge and people on the bus would get up for me. That made me feel so precious and valued and valuable. I try to treat everyone like they’re pregnant,” the SVU star joked to USA Today. And when you want to be kinder to the people around you, discover these 20 Ways to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence.
Keira Knightley may prep for roles, but when it comes to delivering her baby, the actress admitted that she was eager to wing it.
“There’s a whole birthing plan, but what is the plan other than to get it out? I mean, there isn’t an option to kind of keep it in, is there? So I’m assuming my plan is to get it out. But apparently, there’s more to the plan than that. I don’t know what that is,” Knightley told Ellen DeGeneres.
Sometimes, pregnancy can change an expectant mom’s sense of smell. In Amanda Seyfried’s case, however, it may have actually turned into a superpower.
“I can smell electricity. I swear to God I can smell the TV,” the actress told Vogue Australia.
Persistent hunger is a major part of being pregnant for a lot of moms-to-be, and pregnant Natalie Portman wasn’t about to take any chances when it came to getting the right food when she needed it.
“I feel like I get a little panicky about food availability. If I’m going somewhere, I’m like, ‘Will they have something I’ll want to eat at that point?’ So, before I go anywhere, I’ll have a plate of pancakes or a veggie burger or whatever—just to be prepared,” she told Jimmy Kimmel.
Of course, there’s also a lot of food that’s suddenly off-limits to pregnant women, too—a particular annoyance for Zooey Deschanel.
“You can’t eat so many things when you’re pregnant…You can’t have cheese that tastes good. You can have a little bit [of coffee], but I would have, like, four cups a day. And now I can have a half cup, which is a joke! It’s a total joke!” the New Girl star told Jimmy Kimmel.
Pregnancy hormones are a heck of a drug, according to a blissed-out Jessica Alba.
“Being pregnant is kind of like a sedative… everything’s just chill,” the actress told E!’s Daily 10.
While you’ll find some pregnancy side effects listed in every book and website, others come as more of a surprise, according to Samantha Bee.
“You can do your job massively pregnant if you choose to go down that road. It’s fine. It’ll be hilarious. It’ll add to your comedy in ways that you never expected. Like when your elbows grow hair for no reason,” the comedian told Vulture.
Those pregnancy pounds sneak up on you faster than you might imagine, even for stars like Drew Barrymore.
“My doctor the other day was like, ‘I think maybe pull back a little bit.’ I was like, ‘Really? I thought I was doing great. I still fit into those jeans—I mean, they hurt when I wear them, but I’m still in them!’” the actress told Ellen DeGeneres.
Your belly isn’t the only thing that grows during pregnancy—in fact, some parts of your body will get so big you can hardly maneuver around them, according to Eva Longoria.
“Everything’s uncomfortable. It’s not just your belly—everything gets bigger. My thighs—I’ve never seen my thighs so big. And my boobs—they’re in the way of everything. It’s hard,” she told Jimmy Kimmel.
Who says that losing the baby weight is the ultimate victory? For Amy Adams, realizing that being a bikini model wasn’t actually a goal of hers ended up being a bigger win.
“Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body–meaning that it wasn’t put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit,” the actress told Parade.
Even supermodels indulge when they’re pregnant—both in terms of food and behavior—according to Claudia Schiffer.
“I love being pregnant. You can do whatever you want. You don’t feel guilty,” the supermodel told The Observer.
One neat trick your baby might pull? Giving you hints about where it wants to live—if you’re Megan Fox, that is.
“This baby wanted me to live somewhere else so we’re moving to a whole different place in Los Angeles because I feel like that’s where this baby wants to be raised. And I also feel like this baby is telling me that it’s like a Wernher von Braun or an Elon Musk—a supergenius,” the actress told Jimmy Kimmel.
Khloe Kardashian’s inspiration for bouncing back post-pregnancy? In traditional Kardashianesque style, it was pictures of herself.
“Now I am googling images of my pre-pregnancy body and I’m feigning to get back to my workouts and old body. Holy cow,” tweeted the Keeping Up With the Kardashians star.
Not all celebs manage to stay as svelte as they’d hoped during pregnancy, like Jennifer Garner, who realized that tight jeans and a baby bump just wouldn’t work for her.
“I wish I was one of those cute pregnant girls who wear skinny jeans throughout their pregnancies. But I just gain weight,” the actress told InStyle.
Sometimes the side effects of pregnancy are even grosser than you’d imagined, as illustrated by this anecdote from Katherine Heigl.
“I never stopped burping. And I felt terrible about it, but there was just nothing I could do—I would be in the middle of saying something and I’d just start burping. It was awful. I felt like a frat boy,” the actress told People.
Giving birth can be a shock to your system, not only making your body feel bigger, but a half-century older, too, according to Hayden Panettiere.
“I’m still trying to figure out what [pregnancy] has done to my body, how it’s changed it. What’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs, you know—please tell me this is temporary!” she told People.
Not all women feel adorable and happy during pregnancy, as Kim Kardashian willingly admitted while pregnant with son Saint.
“I just don’t think pregnancy and me really agree with each other…I’m really not complaining, I’m just being honest and being honest about [it]. I hate it,” she told E! News.
By the time you’re on your second pregnancy, it’s such old news that you may even forget you’re carrying a baby, as was the experience for Emily Blunt.
“The first pregnancy is the most self-indulgent thing in the world because you get massages and prenatal yoga and hypnotherapy CDs. During this one I forget that I’m even pregnant,” the actress told C Magazine.
Pregnancy can be be a beautiful experience, but sometimes, all those feel-good hormones don’t prepare you for the incredibly difficult part that comes next, according to Alicia Silverstone.
“The oxytocin was doing all this magic and it felt amazing. And then it got less than amazing,” the Clueless star admitted during an appearance on Live with Kelly and Michael.
Food aversions during pregnancy are so real for some moms-to-be, like Cindy Crawford, that even being in the same place as the food you’re avoiding can make you sick.
“I got morning sickness bad. For a while, pizza was the only thing that made me feel good. And fish grossed me out. I couldn’t walk by the tuna cans in the grocery store. Fear of fish,” she told Fit Pregnancy.
Heeding those pregnancy cravings can make for some truly embarrassing moments, according to Ellie Kemper.
“It’s gotten to the point where…I feel like an alcoholic but it’s for Ben & Jerry’s. I’m ashamed. I go to [to the store] every night, and the guy looks at me and he’s so kind, the bodega owner. And I make eye contact and I, like, sort of look away,” the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt star told Conan O’Brien. And when you’re ready to prepare for what comes after you give birth, discover these 40 Parenting Hacks for Raising an Amazing Kid.
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