109 Funny Puns You Can't Help But Smile At
These one-liners are so silly and stupid, you can't help but love them.
The only thing better than those seriously funny puns are the really, really bad ones. You know the kind we're talking about, the one-liners so ridiculous and stupid that they make you wince, and you laugh even though your brain is shouting at you, "Come on! That's an insult to both of us!"
So let's all take a break from the world and enjoy some of the best puns around—guaranteed to make you groan, and then laugh, and maybe even forget all the insanity and jaw-clenching stress in the world, if only for a few minutes.
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Corny Puns to Get Your Friend Laughing
- Somebody stole all the toilets from the police station. The cops have nothing to go on.
- Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants.
- Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long.
- I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but he kept dropping the bass.
- What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
- Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He stops at nothing to avoid them.
- My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work at that office.
- Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda, but it was just a Fanta sea.
- What did baby corn say to mommy corn? "Where is pop corn?"
- A guy was admitted to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.
- Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
- Today I lost my mood ring and I still don't know how I feel about it.
- A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining, "The drinks were decent, but there was no atmosphere."
- It doesn't matter how kind you are. German children are always kinder.
- I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "Wii."
- What did the sushi say to the bee? "Wasabee."
- Sure, I drink brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.
- My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
- Did you hear about that pessimist who hates German sausage? He was always fearing the Wurst.
- I wasn't originally going to get that brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning.
- What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill.
- I just found out that I'm colorblind. The news came completely out of the green.
- What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
- Whenever I undress in the bathroom my shower gets turned on.
- I was walking through a quarry… I said to the foreman, "That sure is a big rock." "Boulder," he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, "THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!"
- My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore or else they'll ground me.
- Why didn't the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine.
- What did syrup say to the pancake? "I've got you covered."
- I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster, but it just made it more sluggish.
- You're becoming a vegetarian? I think that's a big missed steak.
- Who is the penguin's favorite aunt? Aunt Arctica.
- My dad farted on an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
- I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop.
- What should a lawyer always wear to court? A good lawsuit.
- I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
- Somebody stole all my lamps and I couldn't be more de-lighted.
- My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she's just being clothes-minded.
- The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket.
- Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
- What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium.
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The Funniest Puns to Tell on a Whim
- Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
- Never date someone cross-eyed. You'll always catch them seeing other people on the side.
- What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
- I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- I've been thinking about learning Braille, but it's a bit of a touchy subject.
- I hate how funerals are always so early. I'm not really a mourning person.
- Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.
- How do you make a good egg roll? You push it down a hill.
- Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing Windows.
- That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home.
- I've started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log
- What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a nicely dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
- I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
- Why are math teachers so dangerous? Because they're always plotting something.
- Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
- The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents.
- The doctor told his patient to stop using Q-tips, but it just went in one ear and out the other.
- Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears. Eleven years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
- A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."
- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
- I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer they came… And then it hit me.
- Cactus puns are simply succulent.
- A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That's ridiculous. My dogs don't even own bikes.
- I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow.
- Why did the scientist install a knocker on his front door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize.
- Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand, she was completely fine.
- My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn't remember his blood type. His last words to us were, "Be positive!"
- Did you hear about the guy who had his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? He's all right now.
- What should you call an average potato? A commen-tater.
- I bought some shoes on the drug black market. I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
- I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought, "That's really the last thing I need!"
- I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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Funny Short Puns Sure to Get a Laugh
- Bad puns… It's how eye roll.
- I became a vegetarian. Huge missed-steak.
- Why did the grizzly hate this article? He can't bear puns.
- Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
- I'm glad I know sign language. It can come in pretty handy.
- Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
- A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- How do you throw a space party? You planet.
- What's every soccer player's favorite beverage? Penal-tea.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's OK. He woke up.
- I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller.
- Why do eggs hate jokes? The answer cracks them up.
- Wanna hear a pizza joke? Nah, it's too cheesy.
- I'm no cheetah… You're lion.
- My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn't 1 2.
- Those dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it
- What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
- Long fairy tales tend to dragon.
- Why does Peter Pan fly all the time? He Neverlands.
- My dog can do magic tricks. He's a labracadabrador.
- I don't trust stairs… They are always up to something.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
- The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
- How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed.
- You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math… It's easy as pi.
- My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
- What did the hamburger name its baby? "Patty."
- One lung said to another, "we be-lung together."
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What Does It Mean If You Like Funny Puns?
Loving a groan-worthy pun isn't a sign that you're losing grip on sanity. Quite the opposite, in fact. Loving the wordplay of a pun could be an indicator that you have higher-than-average mental agility and are more attractive to potential mates, according to a 2011 study published in the journal Intelligence. It also means that you're not suffering from a lot of social insecurity.
As author John Pollack explains in his book The Pun Also Rises, people who hate puns also tend to be stick-in-the-mud fuddy-duddies. "If you have an approach to the world that is rules-based, driven by hierarchy, and threatened by irreverence, then you're not going to like puns," he writes.
That's it for our list of funny puns, but be sure to check back with us soon! Best Life is committed to helping you find the right words for all occasions. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out!