First dates are always a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, you want to appear interested, engaging, and just flirtatious enough that she knows it’s a date and not a one-way ticket to the “friend zone.” On the other, you don’t want to come on so strong that she thinks you’re only interested in having sex.
It’s not always easy, of course—especially when nerves come into play and you two aspiring lovebirds struggle to find your conversational footing. But to help you say all of the right things that fall squarely in that sweet spot, we reached out to several top relationship and dating experts to gather all of the great one-liners you can have in your pocket to keep the conversation exactly where it should be: on the right track.
And, no matter what you say, here’s one word of advice before you begin: the longer you two talk, the better. A Stanford University study showed that the longer the conversation goes on a first date, the less important the superficial stuff like height and looks become to your potential partner. If you play your cards right—and you say the right things—you’re pretty much guaranteed to move on to date number two. And to make sure you get those first dates, here are The Best Dating Apps if You’re Over 40.
If you’re feeling the chemistry, it’s important to let your date know immediately that you’re attracted to her. “Not only do women want to feel sexually attracted to their date, but they also want to feel that their date is sexually attracted to them,” explains Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, Founder and Chief Relationship Advisor of the app RelationUp. “In fact, by feeling the latter, women are more likely to feel attracted in return. So compliment her.”
But how? Well, this particular line is effective because it’s kind but not creepy, and the added phrase of “on you” makes it more specific than a generic line like “you’re so pretty,” says Milrad. Remember: generic compliments come off as insincere. And if you’re trying to date a co-worker, you’ve got another set of rules to be aware of. So don’t miss our 12 Rules for Dating a Colleague.
Cell phone use is a major sticking point for many daters, according to Match.com’s annual Singles in America study. The researchers found that 75 percent of singles are put off if you answer your phone on a date. What’s more, 66 percent didn’t love being interrupted for their date to respond to a text, and 41 percent think just having your phone on the table face up is just plain rude.
It’s a good idea to put your phone in your jacket and pretend it’s not there for the entire date—well, until you check your calendar to schedule your next one, that is. Oh, and by the way, it might be smart to upgrade your phone. The Match.com survey also found that women are 92 percent more likely to judge you negatively for having an outdated or older model cell phone.
If you’re a guy who has trouble unplugging even for a short period of time, be sure to read these 11 Easy Ways to Conquer Your Smartphone Addiction.
Research conducted by behavioral economist and Duke professor Dan Ariely showed that asking highly controversial questions such as, “How do you feel about abortion?” and “Have you ever broken someone’s heart?” actually ended up creating more meaningful, interesting, and attraction-producing conversations than the run-of-the-mill questions about hobbies, family, and work. Of course, those standard date topics are important—but asking a question that requires emotional consideration and openness about values establishes a level of trust that is necessary for a deeper level of attraction.
The aforementioned Stanford study found that women especially felt a connection with men who interrupted them—but probably not in the way you’re imagining.
To be clear: cutting someone off to dominate the conversation isn’t attractive. But according to this research, successful dates included exchanges in which the man artfully interrupted the woman to say something that showed they had a shared experience.
For example, an ideal exchange would be if the woman said something like, “I saw Radiohead last summer and they were amazing,” and the man stops her to say: “I’m so jealous—Radiohead is one of my favorite bands, too,” before allowing her to continue. In other words, interruptions can be good thing, as long as they’re done to show that you’re paying attention. For more great dating tips, here are 15 More Ways to Impress Any Woman.
Knowing what you want is definitely an attractive quality. So is being in touch with who you are and what you’re after. “Don’t hesitate to spell out what you’re up for,” advises Milrad.
If you’re looking for something casual, she might be into that. If you’re hoping to settle down, don’t be afraid to let her know. No matter what your end-goal is, it’s worth sharing to forge a deeper connection and ensure that you’re both on the same page. As Milrad points out, by being clear and straightforward at the beginning you’re saving time and energy in the long run.
“The more a guy can build a picture of his life that includes the woman, the more likely she is to be interested,” explains Gretchen Kubacky, Psy.D., a psychologist based in Los Angeles.
For example, saying you like to be active isn’t interesting. But if you say, “I love to wake up on a Sunday morning, grab some coffee and a croissant at my favorite coffee spot, and then head down to the beach with my surfboard and hit the waves,” that gives her a really clear idea of what you mean.
Then, follow it up with a question like: “Do you surf? If not, I would love to teach you. It’s so much fun.” This way, your date can decide whether what you like to do sounds interesting to her or not.
Kubacky notes that statements like these are an invitation to deeper conversations, which “starts building a more complete and inviting picture of what your life together might look like.” Being able to imagine what your future might look like together? Totally sexy.
For more superficial ways of impressing your date, check out these 25 Ways to Look Your Best Now.
A quality relationship with your family—or even your close friends—is definitely something you want to show off on a first date, says Paul DePompo, PsyD, a psychologist based in Newport Beach.
“If you have good relationships with your family and friends, it provides evidence that you are capable of the reciprocity needed for a healthy relationship,” he explains.
Basically, it reinforces the idea that you’re a caring person who is capable of having meaningful and lasting relationships. For most women, this will be a huge plus. “It also sends a message that you know how to balance your life and that you are capable of having good boundaries,” DePompo explains.
One word of caution: don’t go overboard talking about your mom or any traumatic family drama you’ve experienced. The first is a turn off, and the second can be saved for later dates when you know each other better.
Simple, but true.
Kubacky says that showing you’re gracious and polite isn’t just a major turn on, but it’s also a requirement for most women looking for their mate.
Your kindness shouldn’t be just confined to her. Be cordial to waiters, valet attendants, bartenders, and anyone else who you interact with on the date. By showing that you believe all people are worthy of respect, you establish that you’re a stand-up guy, which is—wait for it—sexy. Also, be sure to check out these Secrets of the Best Relationships.
Yes, getting asked out for date number two—when the time is right—is sexy. “For most people it is best to wait for a highpoint in the evening and once you have found some similar interests or values, explain how you would like to share that experience with them,” says DePompo. This shows that you are truly interested in furthering the relationship, which will make her more likely to agree to future dates with you. Finally: “do not wait until the end of the date out of nerves; that’s too cliché,” says DePompo.
This gives the illusion that you’re busy and that you’re a hot commodity.“Perhaps this is supply-and-demand at work, but people feel special when they know your time is valuable, yet you are making them one of your priorities,” says DePompo.
And while mystery is sexy, you don’t want to be a jerk. “Let her know you understand a good relationship is about quality time and that even though you have many important and valued commitments, you know that in order to have a good relationship, time together has to be one of them,” he adds.
Finally, as your relationship progesses, you should always remember The 13 Sexiest Things You Can Ever Say to a Woman.
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