Fatherhood

Raise a Comeback Kid

The most important life skill you can teach a child is resilience

By: Hugh O'Neill
[ Updated: Jul 14, 2008 - 5:10:13 PM ]

A gift for bouncing back is useful all day -- in the marketplace, in the low box late in the game, and when your heart gets broken by a redhead or a margin call. If I had to choose one trait for my kids, resilience, the uber-asset, would be my pick. Scrappers who can shake off the stiff jabs and keep coming often get the split decisions.

Some kids may have genes that make them good at getting off the canvas. But don't despair just because your children carry some of your weenie DNA. Biology doesn't have to be destiny. If you can conjure up a family culture that exalts resilience, nurture can trump nature and make your children tough, even if you're not exactly Rocky Balboa.

Alas, rule number one of parenthood is still in effect: We have to embody the traits we'd like to pass on. Apparently something experts call "actually being a role model" continues to be more effective than even the most well-honed homilies about resourcefulness.

So when that landmark deal, the one you've been working on for 2 years, goes south, don't let your kids see you hiding in the garage sucking down Stoli and crying over the premature death of your career. Remember the dad tradition of steady-hand-on-the-tiller. Just make these thoughts the background music in your home, and your kids will grow up good and feisty. They'll be looking for defeats from which they can come roaring back.
 

CHERISH PLAN B
Always celebrate the art of adjusting, rejiggering, dealing with changing conditions. If you're putting in a patio, make a point of mentioning how you zigged around some obstacle. When tinkering in the garage, think out loud. Let your 8-year-old helper in on the process: You just need something to hold this 2-by-4 in place while you drill a pilot hole. Let's see... aha! Make sure they know you admire people -- athletes, parents, kids -- who can adapt and improvise. Speaking of which...
 

LET WORK PROVE WORTH
A fundamental sense of self-worth is the sand at the bottom of a kid's emotional Bozo Bop Bag. It helps them pop up after a blow. But by now, lots of parents have so overdone building self-esteem ("You are such a wonderful breather, Jacob!") that millions of odious little twits feel really good about themselves. Resist the current vogue of constant kid-stroking. Instead, commend the kids on their own efficacy, their usefulness in the world. How? The old-fashioned way: lawn-mowing, leaf-raking, garbage duty, table-setting, dishwashing, pet care -- all of the time-honored obligations kids just hate. The sight of a mown lawn tells a boy that he can polish up the world, and the plain fact is that most boys won't mow it unless the old man requires them to. Remember, your goal is to raise a resilient adult, not to be the most popular guy in the house.
 

BE SURE THEY KNOW YOU HEAR THEM
Just as kids need a belief in the utility of their efforts, they also need to feel that their personalities send ripples out into the pond. So when your kids try to make a joke, be sure to chuckle at the effort. No, don't crack up at lame attempts at humor -- that messes with reality -- but just enjoy the effort. Find a way to credit your kids with changing your mind about something -- a TV show, a political issue. Don't wait until they're actually right. They're dumb; that might not happen for years. But the idea that something they said made Dad rethink helps them feel influential in their way. Incidentally, this trait, allowing others to convert you, is the single best way to become popular everywhere -- in the office, at home, wherever you roam. There is nothing more charming than honoring the other guy.