Fatherhood

10 Best Ways to Be a Better Stepdad

Blending families is like mixing breakfast cereals: You get the sweet Lucky Charms along with the oat bran and fiber. But merging families is difficult and can seem overwhelming. Here's how to make it work.

[ Updated: Jul 14, 2008 - 5:10:03 PM ]

1. Know that you're in a big boat. One in three Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, stepsibling or some other member of a stepfamily. Simply knowing that others are going through similar challenges can be reassuring -- and a source of support.

2. Make your marriage the center of the family. Here's where blended and other families are no different: The kids should not be the center of the family, says family psychologist Mario Alonso, Ph.D., the "Ask the Head Coach" columnist for Best Life. The marriage should be. Studies have shown that children derive a sense of security when their biological parent and stepparent have a solid, loving marriage steeped in respect for each other.

3. Understand that you are viewed as an intruder. In the beginning, you will be thought of as an outsider in the family circle. Keep on the sidelines for a while. Trust takes time to build.

4. Build trust with respect. By showing your respect for their mother and demonstrating your admiration and respect for them, the kids will warm up. But, again, it will take time.

5. Do not focus on becoming the disciplinarian. They are not your children, and they will let you know that: "I don't have to listen to you; you're not my real father!" Focus on building a friendship with them rather than a dominant "father" role. Try being an older friend, confidante, listener, suggest experts from the Stepfamily Association of America.

6. Hold family meetings. It is important to show the kids that everyone has a chance to say how he or she feels things should be done around the house. Children need an opportunity to vent their frustrations and help find solutions to family problems, whether they be arguments about who'll walk the dog or disagreements about where to take the family vacation. Pick an atmosphere that's relaxed and make sure everyone gets a chance to be heard.

7. Don't criticize their father. You may think your stepkid's biological father is a loser, but be very careful about criticizing him in front of his kids. One strategy for developing a relationship with your stepchildren is to refrain from criticizing -- out of simple respect for the father-son or father-daughter bond they have. Cut the dad some slack. Even be supportive. "A stepdad has various opportunities to be an ally to a father by how he speaks to or interacts with the child directly," writes sociologist William Marsiglio in Stepdads: Stories of Love, Hope, and Repair (Roman & Litlefield). "He might make a point of saying nice things about the father, jump in to defend the father if circumstances call for it, or give advice on how to communicate with the father."